waiting

So as many of y'all know they found a complex cyst on my right ovary. Well the doctors office called me Monday and said that it is presenting as a solid nodule and that the doctor thinks it could be cancerous. Yes I just said the "C" word. So they ordered a blood test called a CA 125 which is just a cancer antigen blood test. They said it could be 3-5 days or 2 weeks so I really have no idea when ill know. Everything I have read on this test is very contraversal. They say it can be elevated and not be cancerous but then it can be normal and you can be in the early stages of ovarian cancer. So I'm just not sure. I know God in control and I'm trying really hard not to worry. I have an amazing support system. I did have to cancel my appt with Tulsa Fertility bc they said they wouldn't do anythg till this was resolved. I'm waiting still to hear from the doctor. My mind has been ten thousand different places in the last several days. I can't help but think how many signs does God have to give me that I'm not ment to have my own child?

not sure

So first we had an awesome Christmas with my family this weekend. It had been a year yes a year since I had been home. That's crazy hopefully that won't happen again. Anyways it was awesome I love my family so much its really hard being 6 hrs away from them I feel like I miss out on so much.

Ok 2nd, so the Friday before last I started passing some blood in my urine, having severe pain in right side of back and nausea. So Tuesday I was able to go see my regular MD he did some test and my urine came back fine but my white blood cells were high after an examination he said I really think you need to follow up with your gyn he thought either cyst on right ovary that's infected or possible my right ovary itself was infected. So the next morning I called my gyn offive (they are awesome I just love them) they set me up for an ultrasound (I honestly have lost count on how many I have had this last year) so I went and the tech was just a chatting with me then she stopped (1st sign that something was wrong) then she tells me she needs to listen to the blood flow to my ovary (I have never had that done before that I'm aware of anyways) so about 2 hrs after that I get a call from my gyns office Dana the nursse said they had founf a 3x2.7x3 complex cyst on my right ovary. That my doctor had already left for vaction but that the on call had looked at the results and said that the cyst was either full of debre or a nodule. Ok the nodule thing really kinda freaked me out bc when I think of a nodule I think of cancer :/. So anyways she said that I needed to be very careful and that if I started to have any severe pain in my right lower abd quad that I needed to get to the ER bc I would have to have emergency surgery bc the cyst will have flipped my ovary and it would have cut the blood supply off. They said that is common witht thse type of cyst. She said that complex cyst were not really common but that we would have to wait till Monday to wait for dr. Markell. To come back Monday and look at the ultrasound and she what she thought. So I have been waiting all weekend. All I really feel is fullness and every once in a while ill have some sharp pain.

Hopefully tomorrow I will know something. Its frustrating and kinda scary. I would rather have surgery this week if I'm going to have to have it removed since I have already met my deductable if not ill have to come up with 1,000 just to have it done and you know every penny is going to the ivf. Which that brings something else into the picture I figure they won't do anything about us need to go through the ivf until this other thing is taken care of. So well just have to wait and see.

I hope everyone had an amazing Christmas. Love y'all Kristie

cont. from previous post

Ok phone acting crazy I was unable to finish post all together. So my moms been here and she's been awesome nothing like a mothers care. She cooked thanksgiving dinner for us and it was great. So hopefully ill be back at work Tuesday Monday I go in to thw the splints removed. They told me I might run a low grade fever and I think I have one right now my face is so flushed. Anyways I'm just taking it easy enjoying the time with my mom.

post surgery

So Wednesday I went in and had septoplasty, removal of the inferior turbinates, some glands removed in nose, and sinuses cleaned out. The anticipation of the surgery and the tpye of pain I was going to experience had me a little anxious. So when I woke up in recovery the pain was horrible they gave me 4 doses of demeral through the IV in the first recovery area. I could hear the nurses talking about needing to get my blood pressure up bc it was 93/30. This made we start to panic a little but I was still so out of it I couldn't really respond. In the second recovery room everything was going good except my nose was burning so bad. The nurse said that was completely normal and that I needed to drink and eat something and she would give me two pain pills. I was trying to drink but even something as simple as sucking on a straw was hurting my nose bc when you suck in it brings your nostrils together. So I didn't get very much down. The nurse comes back in and ask about my pain level and preceeds to tell me that they can't give me anything else for pain but that they can admit me into the hospital for pain control. I was thinking are you seriiously kidding me? Jeremy who is standing beside the bed is like no I don't think that will be necessary . So now I'm thinking well great I'm in all this pain they can't give me anything else and if I needed to go to the hospital jeremy prob won't be all for it. Not that I blame him for that. So anyways I decide to go ahead and try to get dressed the go to the bathroom. So all is well until I come out of the bathroom and sit back in the wheelchair, I seriously thought I was going to pass out and fall right there. I said I need to lay down like right now and that same nurse says well we can put you in a recliner and I said no mam I need to lay back down in the bed right down. I was completely flushed sweating couldn't see straight it was very crazy. So anyways after all that passed we heading back outside to meet jeremy with the car. My in laws had went and got all my meds for me so I didn't have to wait for them to be filled so that was awesome huge thank you to them for that.

So a little bit about the procedure, my septum had more damage then he had thought so they had to remove cartilage from where (going to find out Monday) to rebuild my septum. I had bone and glands removed from my nose. Right now I have these huge plastic splints/packing in the nostrils (yes its painful) they will come out on Monday. We are not able to control my pain very well. I have always had a strong tolerance for pain meds don't asl me why. So anyways I haven't slept for more than about 2 hrs since Tuesday night I just wake up in pain my nose has this constant burning and throbbing sensation. So I can take 1-2 pain pills every 4 hrs, phernergan every 4-6 hrs, nasal spray every hr to break up the dry blood and gunk and then the decongestent afrin every 12 hours. I have 4x4s on the nose to catch any excess bleeding which really hadn't been that bad. I also have a small incision on my nose with a stitch in it.

anxious

So I'm feeling a little anxious and a lot excited! Jan 3rd we are going to Tulsa Fertility Center. Some people had recommened to Jeremy and I that we look into them as well as Arkansas Fertility Clinic. Tulsa is a lot closer to us than AF but imve never been to Tulsa so initionally we had planned to go to AF however when I called they seem to think that my insurance would cover very little if anything at all. At TF they said my insurance would cover 100% after I reach my deductable. So we have an appt with TF Jan 3rd and AF Jan 7th. If we feel really comfortable with TF we will cancel the appt with AF.

Its amazing to me that's its almost been a year now since we started the infertility process even though we had already delt with it for 2 years. Even though I have insurance through my work infertility is considered pre exsisting. Kinda crazy huh. So we were scheduled to go to AF Feb 12th we got a call a couple of days before to tell us that we were going to have to pay everything in cash bc of it being considered pre existing. I was really upset I felt like we had waited so long then for our dreams to just be stopped just like that. So this started our time with blood work, clomid, ovulation kits, IUI. This was very emotional and even trying on our marriage from time to time. So now almost a year later we will be heading to the fertility clinic to hopefully plan when we can start our IVF cycle. WOW it seems crazy that in a little more than a month we will have some answers and some direction to where this next year will lead us. I feel like we are about to open a new chapter in our lives and I couldn't be happier to be sharing all this with Jeremy. All of this has been very hard emotional, physically, spiratually but looking at our marriage now I believe it has only made of stronger. I'm so excited about what all lies ahead. I have an amazing support system; my family by law, by blood, and through the blood. A big thanks to Lisa and Hilary two of my fertility buddies y'all will never know how much your kindness has touch my life, I pray that y'all will cont to travel this journey with me and I won't drive you complete crazy with so many questions! :) for now we just wait until Jan!

*so just a little note I randomly googled some info on twins sinces that is a high possibility with IVF and came across strollers any idea how much it cost?..............................like $600 that's not even with the car seats! All I can say is that I believe if God provides us with the blessing of having twins he will provide the means to care for them :)

my brother

So I must say I love my brother so very much. We talked last night for like 2 hours. He was asking me about how our infertility treatment of going and I explained to him that it is kinda on hold. He was asking me about my insurance saying they are not gonna pay for the treatment just the diagnosis of infertity he says well you know arkansas passed a law that says they have to unless you have an hmo or are self employed. I'm glad I can say my brothers a lawyer ;) anyways so he said I needed to look up the law and see what all went under it to I did. Then I looked up my benefits and from what I read my insurance after a year which will be january it should pay 80% for the IVF innetwork. I can't even explain the joy that fills my heart thinking that this next year we could have IVF and might possibly have our own little miricale. To be honest this is all very scary for me. I wonder can I realy be a mom, will I be a good mom, can jeremy and I really do this? So many questions but I know it will all work out. We have decided on a boy name and a girl name already. Of course these are always subject to change.

So on a slightly different note my friend Lisa, who I came in contact with a year ago in Feb had her little miricale Thursday Dawson Paul. He is absolutely beauiful so many little details and I know there's not two ppl that deserve to be parents more than her and her husband Matt. She has truely been an inspiration for me as I have started traveling down the road of infertility and fertility treatment. I pray that I can help someone who is going through this the many ways she has helped me.

For now we wait as my mom pointed out today only 2 more months till my appointment. WOW! It seems so crazy that in 2 months Jeremy and I find out where this next year might take us. There is a lot of heart break with infertility and there is always a sence of loneliness but I know all of that will be so worth it when I can one day hold my little angle in my arms as I have seen Lisa and matt do this week. The expressions on their faces and their families and friends is priceless.

taking a moment to breathe

So these last weeks have been crazy worked like 120 hrs. Yeah I know, crazy. Work is crazy we are still in our state window and since this is my first time with state I'm a little nervous. I realized this week that I'm a little bit of a spaz. I know I should have already known this but hey at least I realized it. Not only am I a spaz but I'm a little OCD. I know that no one is perfect and we all make mistakes but man sometimes I just wonder what people are thinking, I mean seriously! So besides work I went back to the infectious disease doctor Wednesday and we got a few answers to why I've been feeling so bad. I tested positive for a rare type of lupus the doctor said and he wants to do some more testing and possible send me to the mayo clinic. I wonder sometimes if God is just allowing us time to figure out what is going on with me before we have a child. I try not to think about the infertility anymore its always still there in the back of my mind but I just don't talk about it. Kinda like outta sight otta mind. The other day at work someone told me that they saw a family with 6 children then they had a 4 day old child. The family was a farm family and this person was surprised to see them with a 4 day old child out. After speaking with this family she found out the 4 day old was giving to them by a friend who didn't want the child. This person talked to them for awhile and said that I was heavy on her heart knowing that we would love to have this child and be able to provide for it. However this family said they wanted the child and were already going through the proper channels to be able to adpot the child. It truly touch my heart that this person had thought of jeremy and I. If only it were that easy for someone to show up at our door with a child. I believe it could happen Gods still in the miricale business. Today I have not been as productive as I would liked to have been. We are trying to get things arranged for our costume/cookout next weekend. I've never really had anything like this so I'm not sure what all to do. I'm going to try to make these pumpkins centerpieces for some decor. Jeremys been hunting today and build me a shelf to put some of our boxes on. Seems like we never really have any time together and sometimes we seem so far apart which I think is part of the infertility journey and the fact that we've almost been married 4 years. Wow that seems so crazy! We are still planning on going to AF&G Jan 7th for our consultasion. I'm still hoping to start back to school soon. Jeremy and I know that its going to take use several years to come up with the money for the ivf so I want to just try to enjoy the time with jeremy. My shoulders better still pretty sore at times but much better than it was. I want so badly to just be content, be happy, fill fulfilled but at the end of the day I'm still fill pretty empty. As for today I'm trying just to relax a little bit and take a moment to breathe. Thankful that I have some pretty amazing friends who have personally been through the same thing I'm going through.

pushing a button

Only if it were as easy as pushing a button. As I started to get ready yesterday for church I started to get frustrated, my hair just was not corperating with me so I turned my chi on and started to straighten my hair. I stood there looking in the mirror at my unmake upped face with half my hair on my head and thought only if it were as easy as pushing a button. If it were as easy to be thin, look pretty, never have a bad hair day, make enough money to satisfy yourself, to have the spouse, house, kids and job?. Only if it really were as easy as just really pushing a button. I'm trying hard at work to be more assertive, to not let ppl run all over me, to not work such long hours. At home I'm trying to be a better wife, keep a cleaner house. Within myself I'm trying to love myself the way I am, to loose weight, to exercise, to try to be content. Sometimes I just wanna scream, I want to go off on someone, I want to look in the mirror and see a beautiful person. I wonder why its so hard to love ourselves. Why its so hard to except the things we can't change but really really want to. I don't understand things not the way I want to at least. Why do I struggle so much with my weight? Why can Jeremy and I not have a baby? Why do I have to live so far aware from my family? Why do good things happen to bad ppl and bad things to good? The are questions that I believe everyone at some point in their life ask. I wish that life were as easy as just pushing a button, turning the dial to exactly the right degree, to turn it up or down as we please. But life doesn't work that way. Life is hard, its not fair, and pain is a very real thing. I believe that God allows everything to happen for a reason and in his time everything is made perfect. However my heart still breaks over the things that my heart desires. Life isn't as easy as pushing a button.................

a little over 2 weeks

So its been a little over 2 weeks since my accident, I can hardly believe it. A lot has happened and then again everything is still about the same. So I went to the ortho last wed. He is actually the UofA physican, he specializes in shoulder injury so I felt pretty comfortable with him. He said I have an ac seperation and a shoulder contusion, also that the grinding I'm experiencing is from my scapula rubbing on my rib cage (ouch right). So he said I didn't need surgery which was a relief but that I needed to be off work for a month. Well I had already been off 8 days not paid and the thought of being off made me sick due to the money then I found out they were going to have to train someone to do my job temporarily while I was out. I couldn't even stand the thought of someone else doind my job. I love my job and I'm kinda anaul I like it done a certain way. So the MD said that I could go back in a week if I felt better but I would still need to know my own limatations (no lifting anything over 2lbs with the left arm, no pushing or pulling). With my job I can do this with the help of my CNAs which I must say are pretty awesome. So I'm going back to work on the 4th this coming Monday. I'm kinda nervous I know that's stupid. So that's where I stand with all that. So the pews at church kill my shoulder so I didn't go to church last night so I took a bath and when I was drying off my shoulder popped I mean really popped it hurt so bad it almost brought me to my knees but I think my ac joint actually popped back into place. So this is a good thing it actually feels better and I have a lot more ROM with it now than I did a few days ago. I'm cont to do the pt at home, taking the muscle relaxers, and anti-inflammatory meds. This will cont for a while I'm sure. I'm nervous about going back to work I really am afraid of injury my shoulder more but I know I just have to be careful. Oh yeah the reason why my scapula is grinding on my ribs is bc of the inflammation. I also have to ice my shoulder a lot. I will be bringing my ice pack to work with me so during lunch I can ice it its still really swollen and tends to swell easily. We finally were able to get another car the week before last we got a 2010 toyota corolla let me tell you once you go toyota you never go back lol. I really wanted an SUV but that's just not what God had in store for us. He always provides your needs for you just not always your wants. Anyways so the corolla is awesome it rides like a luxury vehicle. It cost $24 to fill it up it was like a little less than 1\4 left and then I got 40mpg woohoo. A full tank can go a little over 400 miles so I drive almost 300 miles a week so that's awesome that I can go on one tank of gas and it only cost me 24 bucks. Plus me and a lady from work, Monica, who also goes to church with me are going to start riding together so that will be nice especially since we now have a higher car payment. Well sense I've been at home I've had a lot of down time, time to just think and pray, to meditate on everything. I really am not sure what is going to happen as far as me and Jeremy having a baby but I know in Gods timing it will all work out. This is hard but after the accident I realized how fast things can change and honestly how fast it can just come to an end. For these reasons I just want to enjoy the time with Jeremy, my family, and friends. I believe that everything happens
for a reason and I'm not real sure why this happened but I do think God wanted me to refocus. I had become so consumed with work that that is all I did, all I thought about and talk about but there is so much more to this one life God has given to us. Yes I still want to be a mom more than anything and I want Jeremy to be a dad but it might just take us a few more years to save up to either adopt or go through with the IVF. Jeremy and I both want to try the IVF first but we are totally open to the plans God has set before us bc I know they are perfect and I know God always provides our needs and sometimes our wants fall into that as well. Please forgive my spelling I have been typing so fast I feel like there is just so much on my heart and mind. Tomorrow I'm going to go get my tb test, (so I can go back to work), so get the lab work done that I was heading to get done the day of the accident, try to run by the gym to get some info on me and jeremy joining, and run by a mattress store to get some prices on a new mattress. I've been sleeping on the couch since the accident and honestly its way more comfortable than our bed but I do miss sleeping with my hubby. I'm also going to try to start going throw boxes we have yet to find the glass to my china hutch (I know where would it have walked off too). I've wanted to keep one room set aside for a nursery but I don't thinks that's a good idea everytime I walk by and see the emptiness it reminds me of the emptiness I feel inside so I'm wanting to get a day bed or a twin bed I figure we can use it even after the baby. So well just have to see what happens. One day at a time sweet Jesus that's all I'm asking of you.

one week

So today it has been a week sence my acccident. I still think about it a lot and get a little anxious when riding. (Which I've always had some). I went to work on Monday and I couldn't even think straight due to my pain. Its amazing I never realized how much I used my shoulder even for the littliest thing. I felt so outta place it just made me really sad. I love my job. Let me back track a little. The hospital put me in a sling for a week bc my shoulder and clavical were hurting. Friday I went to the MD bc my left hand kept swelling and I almost couldn't get my wedding bad off. I feel so weird without it. Anyways so they put me in a wrist brace and was told that it looked like I tore some of the muscles in my hand. Sunday my mom went back home. I really enjoyed her and my sister Janea being here. There is nothing like a mothers touch. So when I went to take my bath Sunday I figured I could undress myself (even though Jeremy and mom had all weekend) I took my sling off and raised my left arm not high but enough I could slide my shirt off well when I raised I heard a pop and now it just crackles and pops (that makes me think of rice krispies). Now I'm back where I started so Sunday night my shoulder started bothering me worse, Monday the pain cont. With no relief. I went back to the doctor he said my xrays from the hospital the day of the wreck looked like my clavical was fractured and that there was some kind of pocket around me shoulder. They did more xrays and some looked one way and some looked another. MD decided to give me a shot in my muscle in my shoulder to numb it to see if that would give me some relief. Well this was absolutely horrible. The tears were just rolling down my face and I actually hollared out a couple times. I've never reacted that way before and trust me I've been stuck hundreds of times even in my feet and never reacted this way. So he rubbed on my shoulder for about 5 mins trying to get the meds in my muscles that hurt so bad. He kept saying I can feel this band referring to a tendon. He took me off work a week and then put me in a shoulder immobilizer. I have to even sleep in it. He told me to come back Monday if it wasn't better they would get an mri bc he thinks I tore something in my shoulder. When I take the immobilizer off to get dressed or bath my shoulder shifts. It actually looks different than my other one. So I called yesterday and asked that they go ahead and schedule my mri so I can try to get it done while I'm off work. This will tell us if I'm going to have to have surgery or not. If I have to I just want to get it over with so I can go back to work and stop hurting so bad. Tonight I can't sleep its 3:26 in the morning and I've been awake a little before midnight. I woke up by rolling over to my left I woke up screaming it hurt so bad. Hopefully well have some results soon. A huge thank you to my mom for her help last weekend and jeremy for being so patient with me. I'm truly blessed in more ways than I could ever imagine.

thursday

If something is misspelled or runs together I'm sry I typing with one hand. So Thursday morning about 8:15 I was in a wreck. I hydroplaned and rearended someone. I had never been in a wreck or had a ticket until that day. I'm having a hard time dealing with the accident. Everytime I close my eyes that's all I see and hear. I'm sure in time that will get better. So I'm hoping that by writting what happened it will help me move past it. So I was driving to fayetteville to have some blood work done, normally I wouldn't have even been on this road. I exited off 540 and merged into the left lane bc the right lane was an exit only lane. (While I was driving on 540 I was only going 55 in the right lane and ppl were blowing my doors off) when I merged into the left lane I could tell traffic was slowing so I put my foot on the break and started slowing, then the car in front of me hit their breaks and I did the same well when I did I startedsliding a little and it seamed like it increased my speed bc I wasn't going fast to begin with. When I realized I wasn't stopping and going to hit the mini van in front of me I yanked the wheel to my right. I hit them on their right back and on my left front and drivers door. I can't even to beginning to explain how blessed I am it could have been so much worse. When I went into the right lane anyone could have hit me but God had his hands around me and protected me. I ended up on the right side shoulder almost in the ditch when I stopped. When I looked over at the van I hit I saw a lady get out and open the side door to check on her child. This threw me even more into a panic I could never live with myself if I hurt or killed someone. Thankfully they were both fine. I kept asking the cops and firemen. So they had to pry my door open and transported me (L hip, L shoulder, and L clavical) bruising and abrasions on my L and R shin from where I hit the dash. The most pain I've had is from my L arm\wrist. Doctor says I hyperextened it when yanking the wheel to the right and probably tore some muscles in my hand. My hand just keeps swelling I had to remove my rings and barely got my wedding ring off. So now my cars totaled, my arms in a sling for 2 weeks and my wrist is in a brace for 2 weeks. I'm not sure how this is going to work me having to use both of my hands for work. Ill write more soon but I'm beginning to hurt.

reply to last post comment

There are several things a want to say. There is a high risk of having twins with IVF however the risk is extremely low for having any more than that. Where you get into having multiples is with an IUI (which jeremy and I did try one). We would not destroy any of our embroys. Jeremy and I both want several children so if we had success we would try again with the embroys that were frozen. If we didn't have success the first time then we would just try again with the embroys we had stored. I would never waste them. I know that fertility treatment is very contreversal and in till you are in the position its really hard to say the choices that anyone would make. Of course Jeremy and I would rather get pregnant naturally however that is not an option for us so does that mean we should just throw our hands up. Well no we move on to the next step which for us was IUI with clomid. This was unsuccessful so now we are moving on to the next step which is also our final step in fertiltiy treatment. No one unless they have been through infertility can even imagine the devastation that one feels when they are at this point. Jeremy and I talk about our options and we make decisions on what we think is best for us. No this may not be what is best for someone else bc every person is different. People that chose to adopt willing without trying to have a child don't understand the effects of infertility. Jeremy nor I have anything against adoption and yes that is very likely that that's where we would end up and that's not a horrible thing. But its also not a horrible thing to do what jeremy and I have chosen to do. I know everyone has there own opinion and I also know that when I post stuff on here or on facebook that I am opening the door for everyone else to state their opinions as well. But this blog was originally started after Jill past away almost 2 yrs ago to be able to express myself and get things off my chest and as time has gone by I have used it to express my feelings about whatever happened to be going on in our life at that time. Maybe I should just go back to keeping a diary under my bed ;) but infertility is not something that should be hidden away too many people have done that for too many years and if I can help someone who will be going through this now or at a later time then that's what I want to do. I'm sorry if whoever reads this blog from time to time do not support the decisions Jeremy and I have made but honestly they are not anyone elses decisions to nake but our own.

So yesterday I had a new post almost ready when I got a phone call, well this new phone kinda confuses me so I guess that blog is somewhere off in cyber space. So we are going to try IVF. We found out wed that that was our only option due to jeremy count being so low. See we both have problems but they can manipulate mine where they can't really with jeremy. So we have an appointment jan 7th at arkansas fertility in Little Rock. We found out yesterday that my insurance does not cover the retreval, transfer, or storage. So the cost of this is either $10,000 for one transfer fresh and one frozen, $13,000 for 2 fresh and 2 frozed, or $18,000 for 3 fresh and 3 frozed. Plus at least 3,500 for meds every cycle. I know my meds would probably be a little more sence I have a few different things going on. Then my insurance will pay 80\20 for all of my labs and ultrasounds after I meet my 1,000 deductable. Its kinda funny that 1,000 seems really small in the scheme of things. We would probably do the $13,000 plan bc this allows us a few more try's. This is all very hard. I know that I am extremely blessed and I know that it will happen in Gods perfect timing but my heart still is very heavy and feels broken at times. Its hard for me to understand why God willing allows people to have children when he knows that they will beat, sexually abuse, neglect, or even kill there children and Jeremy and I are unable to have a child. Of course I know we would not be "perfect" parents but its hard for me to think we would be worse than that. There are so many people that deal with infertility so I know that I'm not alone. I know many have been there and many will be but sometimes it still feels like the loneliest place. Even while lying in bed to my amazing husband still feeling alone and knowing that men just don't completely understand the natural desires that a woman has to bear a child. I guess part of the curse is that longing to be a mother. I know these next several years are going to be trying, emotional, spiritual, physical, on our marriage, with our family and friends. But I know we will get through it and probably be stronger in the end. I pray that whether we adopt or bear our own children that they grow up knowing how fulling loved and wanted they truly are. That we can turn around and give our children back to the Lord. Whether we adopt or bear our own they will be greatly loved and cherished. For now this is all I have and it might been it for awhile.

this week

So to start the week out jeremy and I moved into this cute little house that we now call home. Hopefuuly this will be our last time to move for awhile. Today I went to the infecious di
sease doctor since I'm still sick. He thinks I probably have some time up underactive immune system and I'm just keeping a constant sinus infection and my body can't fight it off. Tomorrow I'm off to work where I'm sure it will be a little crazy since I was off today. Mondays on a Tuesday are still just as bad as mondays on a Monday. Wednesday work then hopefully church. Then there's Thursday......Thursday is a big day for several reasons first because this is when we go to the doctor and she desides whether we can try another round of clomid and iui or if we have to go for ivf. This is so nerve racking. I just have to continue to remind myself that everything is in Gods perfect timing. 2nd my wonderfully awesome grandparents are coming to see me and I couldn't be happier. I know we are going to have a great time just being together. Praying that papaws dialysis up here goes well. So we've made some decisions I am going back for my RN!!! Its going to be totally online so I can continue to work full time. I'm a little scared but I know it will be all worth it in the end. My grandparents are going to be here till Monday. I can't wait for all my friends up here to meet them. So my evenings this week are going to be full of unpacking and organizing but it ok I'm just happy to be here.

Decisions

So many differnt decisions to make right now. 1st on whether to try another IUI or wait and tryIVF. 2nd whether to stay in the duplex or move into a house (still renting) for a few years. 3rd can I complete the RN excelsior college program. The fact that everything is online is kinda scary for me. Ill have to still keep my full tine job (which I love and don't want to quit) and study at night and on the weekends. Plus I wonder if I get pregnant can I continue the program, will I have the energy. However I'm sure it will be so much easier to complete it pregnant over having little ones. I'm praying for Gods directions. I'm so blessed. I feel like the only thing that is missing is a child everything else seems so small and trivial compared to that.

a lot on my mind

So its been almost two months since I've written and a lot of that has to do with not feeling well and working a lot. The clomid has kinda been hard on my system. Also I have reactive hypoglycemia. So I've been having a lot of headaches and a lot of exhaustion. But I know its going to be completely work It in the long run. So here is where we are in our fertility journey: our IUI and clomid round in may resulted in a BPN. Jeremys count was not high after the sperm wash so he has been taking clomid. This will be his last month. At the end of the month he will have another semen analysis. We need his count to be close to 20. Anything below 10 million they don't recommend having the IUI bc its very unlikely that it would be successful. So we go back to the doctor Sept. 2nd to find out what his levels are now. Hopefully they will be much higher. At this appointment the doctor will tell us that either we can try the IUI again with me on the clomid or that it will be best for us to try IVF. If IVF is our option then we will have to wait till Jan due to insurance. We are very blessed that my insurance does cover at least one IVF. They do not pay for frozen embryo transfers though so if it doesn't work then we will have to pay for the other which is about 8000. I'm very nervous about the appointment on the 2nd. It seems like everything will be so final. Also this year has just flown by people who deal with infertility are on a completely different schedule it seems then other people. You basically have your whole month planned out it starts with the day you start your cycle, then 5 days later you start the clomid which is very interesting, then 7 days later you start testing for ovulation (which is kinda weird bc I have to test at work bc ur supposed to test around 11 so that puts me at work), then the next day you have the IUI done, after that you wait your two weeks which of course during this time ur mind and body play tricks on yourself, then after the two weeks either AF comes and u have a BPN or you get a positive if you get a positive then you start on progesterone. If you get AF then you start the cycle all over again. Sigh, its really emotionally, physically, and spiritually draining. I have met some amazing people who have success stories and have really been so inspirational to me. Thank you Lisa and Hilary you have truly blessed my life and I thank the Lord for you both. Jeremy and I are very hopeful and excited. We do believe that we will be parents we just don't know when or how. So we have about two weeks before we know anything and for now we pray for our unborn children and look forward to what lives ahead.

looking forward

So I haven't updated in awhile for several reasons I guess. 1st being we have been so busy with having to move again due to our allergies being so bad in the other house :(. 2nd is really just because I haven't known what to write. I haven't really cried in a long time over the infertility but a couple of weeks ago I started crying on a friday night and didn't stop till sunday evening. Its like when the tears started there was no stopping them. So what's all has happened and where are we now...

In the last 3 months I have been on clomid for 2 round with one IUI which was a failure. We have moved out of one duplex, spend many weeks on updated a house and moving in, to having to move out of the house and back into another duplex 1 and a half months later due to health related problems that the house was causing. Also in the last several months I meet my aunt Tina which is my biological fathers sister. She hadn't seen me since I was two due to him giving me up legally but we met and hit it off instantly. Its also amazing how much we look alike and act alike. God has truly blessed me with an amazing family who I cherish very much.

So now we are in the new duplex which isn't new and its kinda like stepping back in time, but hey we can both breathe and that is very important. Jeremy is currently taking clomid for the next 3 months. So in september they will do another analysis to see if his numbers have came up any if they have then I go back on the clomid and we try for the IUI again if not then we wait till Jan and head to Arkansas Fertility. My doctor said that she didn't really think the IUIs would be successful. So it looks like we are looking at a long road. I know everything is in Gods perfect timing but sometimes that just doesn't help me with the pain and emptiness I feel inside. God has blessed me with meeting a few ppl who can help me through this bc they themselves have traveled this road and know how hard it truly is.

Now to the kicker it is sooooo expensive to have all of this done. Each IUI is 300,plus meds. The IVF is 12,000 plus around 3,600 for meds. My insurance doesn't pay for frozen embryo transfers so that is like 8,000 I believe plus the meds again and the storage fees. So I have decided to start selling Mary Kay products. I am not able to get a second job with the job that I have now which I love. So selling MK is something I can do and think I will really enjoy. My aunt Tina I was writing about above sells MK and has for 19 years so she is going to help me and I'm very excited about building that relationship with her and also being able to have money set aside if we end up having to go the IVF route.

Its kinda crazy to me that in september we will find out if we have to go the IVF route and that will also we our 3 year anniversary for trying to conceive. So for now we are just waiting and trying to put some money back since it is going to cost so much. All I can say to that is that a child is priceless and I would pay any amount to be able to have a child and be a mother.

no go with clomid and IUI #1

So this cycle is over and it was a no go. There's always next time right?! So I'm supposed to hear back from the doctors office tomorrow. Jeremy is starting on clomid as well so it might take several months to effect him. So we find out if we wait a few months for the next IUI or if it will happen this month. Trying to be patient. Plus we are having to move again and I'm so tired of moving. So only time will tell. And I know everythings in Gods perfect timing!

IUI friday

So we had our first IUI friday. Is was not exactly what I thought. I was actually very painful. We were a little disappointed bc Jeremys sperm count was a lot lower than they wanted it to be. They said more than likely it wouldn't work. Its hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that it only takes one sperm to make a baby but they say anything below 50 MILLION is low! What! This makes no sense to me. So now we just wait and cont to pray.
So today I went to my sister in laws baby shower and she opened my present up 7th. So the hostess bring me a gift bag and says that its an old wise tail that the 7th present to be opened whoever brought it will be the next person to have a baby. I didn't even know what to say. I just thought to myself "God this isn't very nice."
Also friday I meet my aunt tina she is my biological fathers sister. She had not seen me since I was 2 so it was awesome to be able to spend some time with her and her husband. I look like her and sound like her. We have a lot in common and I feel very blessed that the Lord opened the door for me to be able to get to know her. I look forward to the future.
Now we just wait and see if the IUI work!

IUI tomorrow

So tomorrow I will be having my first and hopefully last for a long time IUI. I am so excited yet so nervous in the same heartbeat. All of my dreams seem so close that I could touch them. I'm afraid though! Afraid of getting hurt, afraid of the lose that I might feel. I have such a desire to be a mother. I truly want to carry at least one child. I know I know pregnancy is not all fun and when I look back six months from now I might be thinking what in the world were you thinking. But for now that is my hearts desire. I have to say I have some in contact with some amazing women who have also gone through infertility and they have become my friends even sisters. My heart ached for them as I heard there stories. I've wondered at times how some of them would go through what they've gone through and still have their faith. They have truly been a blessing from the Lord and I can only pray that there will come a time when I can help someone through this just as these amazing ladies have helped me. So my mood has been a little cranky these last couple of days. Poor Jeremy basically if he was breathing I was finding something to grip about. I have to remember though that he is much needed for this process so I might need to be a little nicer to him. He is awesome though through it all. So tomorrow is the day, the big step forward. After that we will just have to wait and see what happens. Praying always that Gods will would be done.

hot flashes

So I definitely have some side effects after the clomid than while I am on it. The last two nights I have not been able to sleep. I have sweat almost constantly. No matter how much I removed I was still hot and sweating then I would get the chills :( but hey I figure its all worth it since it probably means the meds are working. I'm hoping and praying that I ovulate and that my levels are great this time. I'm so excited but I seriously think I'm going to have to get one of those mini fans so I can fan myself at work. During my treatments I could just feel the sweat yuck lol

first IUI this week hopefully

Tomorrow I start doing the at home ovulation test. When ever I have a positive LH surge the next day we will have the artificial insemination the next morning. This is such an interesting time. I'm so excited about what is ahead for me and jeremy but so scared as well. My head knows that there is a very high possibility that it will not work this first time but my heart is already ready to see that positive on the at home pregnancy test. I'm not excited about the progesterone shots for 12 weeks but it will be completely worth it. I would take shots the whole 40 weeks if I needed too. So we will just have to see how it goes and continue to pray. I know everything happens in Gods perfect timing!

2nd round on clomid starting tomorrow

So tomorrow I start my second round on clomid. Its weird how months can pass by and u dnt even realize it bc all u can remember from the previous months are when u start, when u started the clomid, when u ovulated, the days u had weird side effects, then when u started again. Its kinda a vicious cycle. So tomorrow we start clomid again. When ever I get my LH surge (which last month was on day 16th) we will have the IUI done the next day. Wow I can't even begin to believe that we are at this point. I'm trying so hard to be positive and think about all the success stories but my personality always tends to remember the bad stories over the good. So I'm trying to refocus my thoughts. I know God is completely in control. He allowed me to ovulate last month which was a complete miracle. So I'm trying to stay focused on him. I'm so blessed to have the support of some awesome friends and an amazing church family. Of course my family is pretty great themselves :)! Anyways we will just have to wait and see how things go.

good progesterone level

So this week has been better than last week. Last week was just hard with the loss of Chris then trying to move and paint. So stressful. My day 21 labs came back good. My progesterone was 28.2 they said anything above 15 meant I ovulated. So they didn't change my dosage and next month we do the clomid again then I start testing on the opk when I get the LH surge I call the office and the next day they do the IUI. Wow I can't believe all of this is about to happy. A mixture of emotions is going through my head. I'm so excited in one hand but nervous in the other. Thank u all for ur prayers. Plz cont. To pray and specifically that I ovulate again and that Jerms swimmer are ready to swim :)

woohoo for the big "O"

So today I'm on day 16 and my at home opt said positive today. This is the first time I have EVER had a positive opt. I'm extremely excited and hoping that my day 21 labs come out great :)this is definitely a step in the forward direction.

still hope for ovulation

So I have been doing some research and much to my relief I have realized that people with PCOS normally ovulate late even on clomid. I have also learned that "normally" being taking clomid ovulate 5-10 days after there last pill well I am just on day 14 of cycle so its only been 5 days since my last dose. So I would still be in the normal category if I "O" between now and Sunday. But even if I don't that would not be completely unusual for someone with PCOS. This gives me hope. I want so badly to make Jeremy a father I know he will be an amazing one. He has been so thoughtful and involved this whole time I just pray he doesn't get overwhelmed with the whole process. For now I'm still just testing and hopefully we will see two dark lines soon.

heavy hearted

This morning we as a church family lost a very special brother Chris Phillips. At the age of 33 he went to be with our Lord after suffering from what they believe to be an aneurysm. Our hearts and prayers go out to his wife, children, and family. Its hard for me to understand at times why the Lord would away this to happen but then I have to remember that God sacrificed his own son at the age of 33 to suffer and die for our sins so that we could join him one day in paradise. This is the 4th person that jeremy and I have lost that has been close to us. I want so badly to take Jeremys pain away but I know that I alone can not do that. This last friday was the one year anniversary of jeremys best friend Ben Coyle passing away and then this blow. Its a horrible tragedy. I dnt understand but I am not ment to understand.

testing starts today

So clomid this cycle was not to bad. A little bloating and a few headaches but nothing too bad. Today I'm at day 11 in my cycle so I will start ovulation test today till I see a LH surge or start my cycle. On the 27th of this month ill have blood work done and see what my progesterone is. Hopefully it will be above 5. If not then they will have to increase the clomid. Jeremy and I are also in the process of moving so I'm painting right now. I'm really learning how large this house is. Hopefully we can get the painting done the beginning of this week. Nervous about what lies ahead but excited about the fact that Jeremy and I are on this journey together.

first round on clomid

Wow so tomorrow I start on clomid 100mg for 5 days. This is supposed to help me ovulate. This month I will monitor my ovulation at home and also have my day 21 labs done. If I did in fact ovulate this month then next month we will try to IUI with the clomid. I am so excited and nervous so in the same. I know the Lord is completely in control and I have to trust him in this journey. I pray that I have no major side effects of the medication and that I ovulate. I truly want to start our family.

for now....

Well its been snowing since yesterday afternoon. Janeas here and we have had a good time so far. Man I feel like I could just sleep all the time I'm always so tired :/. Maybe this too will get better when/if they are able to get my hormones leveled out. This week we find out when Jeremy is going to have the ultrasound and his blood work. We will have to wait till we receive the results back from these test before we are able to move forward. I think even if all we get accomplished this year is to have a lot of test done and maybe some procedures then at least when we are able to go to AF&G we will already know what's wrong. Thus far we know that my hormone levels are extremely low and that sperms count and mobility is low as well. Hopefully we will find out soon more as to why both of us have issues and what they are stemming from. It kinda scares me bc I wonder at times if we are just meant to not have children, well we are looking at buying a house and wow the emotions and feelings that go along with that are very interesting. I feel so excited but nervous in the same breath. At times I feel like I could vomit just about getting in something that cost so much. Its such a big deal. This house is very interesting I like the charm it has. We are supposed to get a surveyor out here this week to see if there are any problems with the home. I just feel stupid buying this home just for me and Jeremy. It seems like maybe we shouldn't buy something for a family when we don't have one yet. But then again I think that if we end up adopting that at least we will have a home already. We will just have to see so many major decisions to make. I just pray the Lord leads us in the right direction to make the decisions that are the ones that will bring him honor and glory. For now we just wait.

for now....

Well its been snowing since yesterday afternoon. Janeas here and we have had a good time so far. Man I feel like I could just sleep all the time I'm always so tired :/. Maybe this too will get better when/if they are able to get my hormones leveled out. This week we find out when Jeremy is going to have the ultrasound and his blood work. We will have to wait till we receive the results back from these test before we are able to move forward. I think even if all we get accomplished this year is to have a lot of test done and maybe some procedures then at least when we are able to go to AF&G we will already know what's wrong. Thus far we know that my hormone levels are extremely low and that sperms count and mobility is low as well. Hopefully we will find out soon more as to why both of us have issues and what they are stemming from. It kinda scares me bc I wonder at times if we are just meant to not have children, well we are looking at buying a house and wow the emotions and feelings that go along with that are very interesting. I feel so excited but nervous in the same breath. At times I feel like I could vomit just about getting in something that cost so much. Its such a big deal. This house is very interesting I like the charm it has. We are supposed to get a surveyor out here this week to see if there are any problems with the home. I just feel stupid buying this home just for me and Jeremy. It seems like maybe we shouldn't buy something for a family when we don't have one yet. But then again I think that if we end up adopting that at least we will have a home already. We will just have to see so many major decisions to make. I just pray the Lord leads us in the right direction to make the decisions that are the ones that will bring him honor and glory. For now we just wait.

words

Its amazing to me how words that you normally wouldn't say become so normal to you when dealing with infertility. Jeremy is having some more test done and we will hopefully the results of some of them this week. I found out today that my levels were worse this last month than the month before :( well we will just have to wait and see what happens.

focusing

I seem to loose focus on the things that are so important. I try to focus on what matters. What's here right now. I'm struggling right now with so many different thoughts and feelings right now. I'm trying to focus on my life. I have a wonderful husband, a great job, a supportive family, a couple of amazing friends,a roof over my head, a mattress to sleep on every night so many things to be thankful for every minute of every day. So I don't know why I have been so down lately. I don't know why it feels like a part of me is broken or why I feel like I'm missing something. Jeremy wants me to be happy and content just being me but I don't know how to be I guess. I'm dreams and goals my whole life have been is to be a wife and mother. I love being a wife. I wish I were a better wife and after being married for 3 years I know that practice makes perfect so I'm planning on continuing learning how to be the wife God created me to be. I have been mad at God. I know I shouldn't be and if when I am that it doesn't change any thing. I don't understand why my papaw has to go through the pain he goes through every day. I don't under heartbreak. I know God has a plan and a purpose for my life and Jeremys. So you would think I would just be able to except that and move forward since God knows what best for me, Right? Wrong I try, I try to pray I just feel so disconnected. I wish I understood why this is so hard for me. I've noticed I get aggravated a lot easier now than before. I'm tired a lot more. Jeremy and I have been fighting a lot more. I know all of this is because I have been unable to let go of these feeling I have these dreams I hold on too so tight. I want to scream at times, but there are no words. I believe that I will get through this. I have too. My marriage is more important to me then anything. God blessed me with an amazing man to walk through this life with and for HIM I have to move pass this and I'm sure in time I will!!!

this year

So yes I'm a planner, this is not always a good thing, actually more times than not its a bad thing. I knew what I wanted for this year. I have been planning it for over 2 years now. I knew when I got out of school, got a job, and got insurance I wanted to first thing go to the gyn and figure out why we have no little jeremy's running around after 2 1/2 years of trying. So that's what I did insurance started Jan 1st, Jan 8th I had my appointment and from there everything went very fast. Bloodwork, ultrasound, HSG, semen analysis appointment after appointment. So then we found out looks like Jeremy and I on our own are not going to be able to do this. So they set up an appointment with Arkansas Fertility and Gynecology. So last friday we were supposed to go, well thursday we got a call from AF&G saying my infertility is pre_existing and even though I have 100% coverage it will not be covered until Jan the 1st of next year that right Jan 2011. So yes I started to cry and have several times since then. I truly dnt understand but I have to have faith and believe that God is in control as I do. So jeremy still have some testing he's going to go through and my gyn is still going to monitor my cycles closely while we wait this year out. A year not that long right? I mean time flies by when ur having fun so a year will be over and done before we even know it, I mean think about it its almost already March. So now I'm at the point well what do I do with this year? Jeremy and I are going to try to get somethings paid off so at least we will be in a better financial situation come next year. And if adoption is our only choice we will have some money put back for that. Jeremy and I both truly want to have a family. I dnt understand ppl that don't want children. So what else to do with this year. Well jeremy and I are both very blessed in the fact that we both have good jobs. However either of us could go back to school to futhure our education but how do we know if that's what we should do or not. I really just don't know. I know what I want more than anything and that's to be a mom and jeremy to be a father but I also know that God knows what's best for us and that may not be what we need right now. So as Jeremy and I seek out what God wants for us this year I pray he will guide us and also guide u. For there are many things that can happen in a year and I hope that when I look back on this year it will not have just been wasted while I waited to try to have children but that I tried to better myself, and learn from every new opportunity that was placed in front of me. :)

changing directions

I'm feeling much better today. Also now that I'm back on my singular I'm feeling ten times better overall. Still taking it easy. My stomach still a little woozy. So I think Jeremy and I are going to cont. To get more healthy while waiting to get pregnant. There are a couples of things we can do this year to help us so we are going to try them. Its hard I really wanted to go friday and see what they said but I guess that just wasn't in Gods plan for us right now. We are going to try to get our financial situation more under control, try to pay some things off and get some money put back into savings over the course of this next year. Jeremy and I haven't given up our hopes and dreams of having a family. I think we r just going to have to draw closer to the Lord and learn to rely on one another more. I am surprised that this has brought us closer together but it has. My scared to know what our life will be like without children isnlt that normally how life works, u grow up, get married, have a career and then have a family? Not always in that order but still those key things are what every couple looks forward or the most of them. Jeremy and I both have sucha desire to have a family. There are so many other ppl out there with infertility. I have been able to meet some of them and share our struggles. Its crazy what all actually goes into becoming pregnant. If someone didn't believe in God before I would think after trying to get pregnant or becoming pregnant they would. It is truly a miracle. I want to be positive but I am struggling. I want to smile and to feel like everything is going to be ok but there are times when all I can do is cry or scream. But you know that's real life. Real life hurts. God sent his own son to the cross why would I ever think that I would not have to deal with pain or heartache when he himself did. I dnt understand life. I dnt understand why some ppl r able to have children and children when they dnt want them, can't take care of them, or will abuse them when there are so many ppl who pray, hope, and dream everyday of being parents. This blog is a way to share with other ppl real life and express the way I feel even when its not always the "right" way to feel. I pray the Lord gives me the strength to get through this. I know life is not always what we want or expect but it is always in Gods plan.

viral infection

So I went to the doctor this morning after not sleeping at all last night, vomiting, and a fever. My muscles ache badly. She informed me of a viral infection in my system gave me a couple of prescriptions and sent me home to rest. So now I'm laying on the couch. I hate calling into work. That's not the type of person I am I try to not miss. I hope I get to feeling better b4 monday. Hopefully resting will do the body good.

not the day I had hoped for

Well apparently I have the stomach bug that's been going around work. I really don't like missing work :(. Today I found out that I won't be going friday to AF&G b/c my insurance says its preexisting since I went without insurance for 2 yrs. I have to have to be honest when I found out I got really upset. I feel like I've had to fight for everything I've ever wanted and I dnt really understand why I'm having to "fight" for this. But then I began to think that there are still options and that there are things Jeremy and I need to do and want to do so why not do them why its just us. Jeremy is going to still go to the urologist and I'm still going to try to get my cholesterol under control. I guess me loosing all this weight didn't help with my cholesterol levels or they were just really high from the beginning. At times I feel like I can't pray. I know its just because I'm afraid my answer will be no. I know that if it is no I have to learn to deal with it. I can't understand why some people have so many children but that they dnt want them and then there are people like us who have such a desire to have a family but can't. I know God is all knowing and all powerful. I pray he will help me and jeremy and everyone else who is going through the same thing. There are so many factors that go into having a child but so many people have no idea. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I'm just trying to tell my heart what my head already knows. Jeremy and I will get through this but I know its only bc our foundation is in our Lord Jesus christ. I'm sry for being angry but I know it will get better.

long week

Today was a long day. Kinda like a monday on a tuesday. I am so ready for friday to get here and just praying the weather will allow us to be able to travel to Little rock. I feel like we have been on this journey for so long already but I know that its just beginning. I have met some ppl online recently and them seem to have so much strength. I just hope and pray I can be like that. Looking forward to what the Lord has in store for Jeremy and I as the Youngs are hoping for youngsters.:)

nervous about this Friday

So I know its been a really long time since I've posted but I'm hoping to be able to get back in the swing of things. So Jeremy and I are back in Arkansas actually NWA. I love it here its so beautiful and I truly feel at home here. Jeremy and I have been on a difficult road but we are very excited and nervous about the road ahead. We go to little Rock friday to Arkansas fertility clinic. We are seeing Dr. Batres. Hopefully we will have an idea friday as to which treatment we will be able to try to start our family. Dr. Markell is my doctor here in Fayettville and she is amazing. I really feel blessed that she is my doctor. So we have already done a lot of testing. Looks like we will probably have to try IVF but we will not know for sure until friday. I have really seen surprised at peoples response to us having to go to a fertility clinic. I think that the media is very misleading. Not everyone that uses fertility treatment will end up with 6 or more children. I just wish that people were aware that a lot of ppl have infertility problems but they can be over come. I will try to blog ahead especially when we find something out friday :)