Monday, October 11, 2010
pushing a button
Only if it were as easy as pushing a button. As I started to get ready yesterday for church I started to get frustrated, my hair just was not corperating with me so I turned my chi on and started to straighten my hair. I stood there looking in the mirror at my unmake upped face with half my hair on my head and thought only if it were as easy as pushing a button. If it were as easy to be thin, look pretty, never have a bad hair day, make enough money to satisfy yourself, to have the spouse, house, kids and job?. Only if it really were as easy as just really pushing a button. I'm trying hard at work to be more assertive, to not let ppl run all over me, to not work such long hours. At home I'm trying to be a better wife, keep a cleaner house. Within myself I'm trying to love myself the way I am, to loose weight, to exercise, to try to be content. Sometimes I just wanna scream, I want to go off on someone, I want to look in the mirror and see a beautiful person. I wonder why its so hard to love ourselves. Why its so hard to except the things we can't change but really really want to. I don't understand things not the way I want to at least. Why do I struggle so much with my weight? Why can Jeremy and I not have a baby? Why do I have to live so far aware from my family? Why do good things happen to bad ppl and bad things to good? The are questions that I believe everyone at some point in their life ask. I wish that life were as easy as just pushing a button, turning the dial to exactly the right degree, to turn it up or down as we please. But life doesn't work that way. Life is hard, its not fair, and pain is a very real thing. I believe that God allows everything to happen for a reason and in his time everything is made perfect. However my heart still breaks over the things that my heart desires. Life isn't as easy as pushing a button.................
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3 comments:
I'm sorry that your heart is aching, I wish I were close to hug you and be there with you.
Something that has been a comfort to me this week was in reading a book about small groups by Cloud and Townsend... kinda weird and off subject right?
But one of the authors, Cloud, I think, is talking about how he was angry at God because the way he saw it there were two plans that God could use, Plan A and Plan B. Plan A was the miracle, the zap, the button, if you will. But Plan B, he felt was to be short changed, because instead of the miracles God would use people to do His will. And for a long time the author was angry at God because he didn't understand why he wasn't good enough for Plan A... until one day he realized that his life had not been Plan B at all, but instead Plan A, his life the way things had happened had been Plan A all along. I know that isn't as eloquent or, maybe not even made as much sense as it did to me when I was reading. But to me, that was a comfort, because I feel frustrated too, I don't understand why things don't go like I think are right, and why I can't be finished with school, and why I can't be closer to my family, and why so many other things and so often I ask God just to give me a sign and show me a miracle, and then I get disappointed because I think that I have been ignored. When I am ignoring the miracles of waking up, of breath, of the sunrise, and the sunset, of the wonderful friends teaching me and loving me, as you my Kristie have done, and of my Jordy who was miraculously sent to me. And then I realize that this was Plan A all along, and how sweet it is, even if sometimes a little bitter. I hope that helped... or at least know that I feel like I am with you in the trenches, even if I am unable to express it very well.
If you want to read it from the author himself, and maybe it make better sense, the book is called Making Small Groups Work and its starts on page 23.
Regardless I am only halfway done and think this book is really great, maybe you could use it for some other purpose.
I love you.
Thanks Halee! I'm so glad that you are happy with Jordy. I remember us sitting in the trailer when he asked you out and us discussing everything. Wow how time has flown by.
haha yes, it is always part of my story when ever people ask me how Jordy and I got together I have to tell them about sitting in Taco Bell waiting on him for 2 hours and Jason showing up and tell him me that this is ridiculous and us going to your house, then Jeremy remembering Jordy from CBC and telling me to give Jordy a second chance.
I miss getting to hang out with you guys so much! I pray that our paths cross again one day so that we can have that sort of relationship again.
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