November

Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month

This month is pancreatic cancer awareness month. As I looked up info on this I realized that it is known as the lethal cancer because the survival rate is so low bc normally not found until it is far progressed. This is def the case with my papaw even if he had not been on dialysis he would not have been able to fight this bc it was too far progressed. This has been hard on me and my whole family. I feel so empty at times and wonder how the world continues to go on when I feel like my life has just stopped. My papaw was not just my papaw but my dad and my friend and I will forever miss him.

This year in general has been hard. Multiply surgeries, house flooding, money issues, miscarriaged, and lost my papaw. I know there are so many people that worse things have happened but it doesnt make it any easier. The pain is still so real. My mamaw also fell yesterday, Im so thankful that she was ok. A few brusises and some discomfort but thankfully nothing is broken.

It has been very hard being so far away from my family. I talk mamaw at least once a day and my mom at least every couple. I wish I could just move them up here with me. I do realize that we all do have our lives and that is def something my papaw would want is for us to cont to LIVE.

Jeremy excepted a pastorit of a church close to us and I am very excited about the church and what God has in store for us. Looking forward to a new year.

Kristie

Papaw

These last few days have kinda all been a blare and have ran together. I have been staying with my papaw in the hospital since he was admitted last friday. If you are reading my blog you probable know how special my papaw is to me. He is like my dad, the man I have always looked up to, the strongest person I know. For the past several years my papaw has not been in good health, now at the age of only 62 he is faced with in a situation that I am not sure if he will pull out of.

Since I started working in Long-Term I views on things have changed in many ways. I realize now that my papaws quality of life not what it should be or once was. I realize the pain that he indures each and every day. I realize that he has held no so long for myself and my family. I realize that 62 is in no way shape or form OLD. I realize that life is too short and we need to make the most of every moment we have with the ones that we hold dear.

One of the greatest things I think about my papaw is that there is no blood relation. I would give my life for my papaw, I would take all this pain away from him if he would allow me to. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone, well maybe not Jeremy but in a different way. My papaw is my Weather Man :) he means so much to me. I say that this is so great bc when I think about Jeremy and I adopting a child it gives me the comfort and peace of knowing that that child can love us as much as I love him. So many things run deeper than blood. Not that I don't love my blood family but my papaw and I have always had a really tight bond.

I remember asking him once if he wished my mom had had a girl, he laughed and said "no, it wouldn't have been as much fun." My papaw always knows how to make me smile, how to help me look at the big picture. He has taught me so many things. If I am blessed to spend just one more day with my papaw I pray that I use that time to just enjoy being in his presents.

Its hard to know when God is getting ready to take someone help. All I know is that whether that is tonight or 2 years down the road I want to lead a legacy like my papaw. He loves the Lord and if you know him you not only know my earthly father but you have met my heavenly father as well. When the Bible says to live in the world but not be of the world that is my papaw. He has lived his life just like all of us but the difference is that he has lived each day letting Jesus light shine through him. I love you papaw and I am so truly thankful to be your grand-daughter :)

Hannahs Hope

4 years

This month marks four years of Jeremy and I trying to have a child. How many things we have gone through in the last four years. My heart is heart and feels like it is broken into so many tiny pieces it may never be put back together.
I have recently been reading Hannahs Hope a book that has helped me deal with the pain of infertility. In the beginning of our journey I made the decision to be open with people concerning our fertility problems and the course of action that we would chose to persue however looking back now I feel like this was a bad decision. So people have been cruel with their words some meaning too others not. However every word that has been spoken to me concerning this I have taken to heart. I guess bc I am just that kind of person. Also I am a people pleaser. When people would state their opinions I would smile and state everyone is intitled to their own opinion however now that I look back on these things I am angry. I feel like either you are for me or against me you can't have it both ways. The aldasity of some people amazes me. How people who have never delt with this seem to be so informed. Yes there is a lot of information that people can research however it is not the same and the information you come in contact with is not always fact.
If our IVF cycle had worked I would be 5 months pregnant this is so hard for me. I havent been very open about what actually went wrong with our cycle but we actually miscarried. It was something that at the time I did not want to embrace. I know people try to help with words like "Your so Young", "everything happens in Gods perfect timing", "maybe you should just adopt", "its a spiritual thing, if you were right with the Lord then it would happen", "stop trying and it will happen", "adopt and it will happen", "Christians should NEVER go through IVF that is crosses a line that no Christian should cross!" Are you seriously kidding me. These words are so hurtful. I just want to look at them and as really do you think that helps at all. I also realize that many people have no idea what to say and to those who dont I say just dont say anything. Its kinda like the old saying if you dont have anything nice to say then dont say anything at all same situation if you dont know what to say maybe you should just not say anything at all.
There as many so many other issues with my insurance company. Thank you to our President that insurance companies can basicly do whatever they want even if they had previously agreed to pay a certain amount.
I feel like my life has completely revolved around us trying to have a child and I hate what it has done to my marriage I have made Jeremy at the bottom of my list and that is so wrong. Jeremy should always be second on my list with God first.
Jeremy is so supportive and strong at times I found myself agree at his strongness.
The fact that we still have three perfect embryos waiting for us to use is hard and amazing in the same since. On fathers day I asked Jeremy how he was doing his resonse kinda shocked me he said its hard bc I am a father my children are just not here with us, 3 are just waiting to be born. He said since I believe life is created at conception then we have 5 children, two we have lost and 3 are still waiting on us.
Jeremy and I have contacted several different adoption agencies seeking out information. Also we have looked into foster care. Jeremy and I do not believe that for a child to be ours its has to be of me and Jeremy. Our hearts are big enough to love any child and we are completely open to this. I just want Gods will for our life.

The last thing I leave you with is a verse that stuck out to when when reading through Hannahs Hope. Its Col 4:6 Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you should answer anyone.

People

I haven't posted in a while and I am really not sure where to start and what to say.

I'm amazed by people, people who I love, people who I barely know, just people in general they never seem to really be the way you think they would/should be.

Jeremy and I have made a decision to not be as open about our journey to parenthood.
Everyone seems to have their own opinions which is fine that is their right but I dont think that I have to continue to be polite and listen to them all the time. However, I do feel like if I blog or post about it then I am opening myself up for it so therefore I will not be as open here on my blog or on facebook any longer.

As of right now, we finally feel at home in our house and almost have everything unpacked which after 4 yrs of marriage is amazing! I am about to go back to RN school I will be doing it all online so I am excited/nervous about this task. Jeremy is still the Young Adult Pastor at Summers, Drive the long bus route for the school, subs, and mows yards. He is a very busy man. For me I am still working in Long Term care which I absolutely LOVE. Never thought I would but I do they are like your family you rejoice when they do and cry with them when they do. Right now I am Unit Manager which is basiclly ADON of my end. Our home is basiclly two homes in one so its split. I work with an amazing group of women and I am truly blessed to not only call them my co-workers but my friends :).

Jeremy and I are praying right now about the direction God would have us to go with our journey (which we have been for yrs) but we are just enjoying what we have and each other. We are truly blessed! All I know is that whether I am able to carry a child, adopt, or foster a child I will love that child with all my heart and soul and Jeremy and I will consider ourselves the most blessed people on this earth!

PCOS

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1st IVF cycle....unsuccessful

Im not even sure where to really begin. Our first IVF cycle started in April and officially ended today with a negative beta (blood pregnancy test).

Many emotions are running through me right now. My heart is broken, its a horrible feeling that i would not wish apon anyone. People who have never delt with infertility dont understand the pain it bares, just like ppl dont understand the lose of a spouse or a close friend if they have never personally went through it. Many people have tried to comfort me with word and i do appreciate the fact that they care but the void i feel is still there at times it feels like its screaming at me. When i first found out that we were not pregnant all i could do was cry, i couldnt compose myself. I didnt want to be so upset but i couldnt control myself. Jeremy of course was the first person i told and the disappointment in his voice made the pain that much worse. As i called the ppl closest to me my family and infertility friends i heart broke into tiny more pieces each time. Today how do i feel, well i know im not ready for another cycle right now, im sure this surprises ppl who know me well since im such a planner but my body cant take it right now. My body is so tired since my car wreck in sep and then my 4 surgeries after that. I think my body, mind, and spirit just need a break right now. Jeremy and i have been trying to have a baby for 3 1/2 years now and right now i think its just time to focus on me and jeremy for a little bit after all if we dont have our marriage then really theres no point in all this, right? So we have decided that we will NOT be in the next cycle but maybe the one around september. We still have our 3 embryos and they are ours and we will def use them!! If that is unsuccessful we will try one more fresh cycle if that is unsuccessful then we move forward to adoption. But let me say this if God were to bring a child into our lives between now and then that needs a loving home jeremy and i would open our arms, hearts, and home to that child and love it as it were our own bc it would be. Adoption is something jeremy and i are very interested in and just pray whatever direction it is that we need to take to have a family is the one we want to take.

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update on embroys

This morning we have 7 embroys. They grade them a 4-1. 4 being the best 1 being the worst. We have 4-4, 2-3, and 1-2 1/2. So everything looks great! I wont know about transfer till later. However if its not tomorrow it will be tuesday!

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retrieval

So today was our egg retrieval.....16 eggs were retrieved!! Wow this is such a great number. Tomorrow morning I will know around 10 how many fertilized. If we had 10 that fertilized that would be awesome! We have been so blessed and i cant help but believe that this will be successful! We are coming to pray for good results :) i havent really had a lot of pain just pressure and headachy. Im also close to hyperstimulating so i have to take an extra pill to try to lower my estrogen level for 30 days. Things are good though so ill update tomorrow plz cont to keep us in ur prayers. We love each and everyone of u!

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where dreams become reality!

So tonight we do our trigger shot!! Woohoo! This means that tonight i take my last subQ injections at 1:15am which is the last step in egg maturation. On thursday we have to be at the clinic at 10:30 for egg retrival. I can not believe we are already really here its soooo crazy! This is what jeremy and i have prayed and hoped for for so long and in just a little over 2 weks well know if we are pregnant or not. Crazy! Ill let everyone know how it goes thursday! Right now we have 17 follicles! :)

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heading back to Tulsa day 7

So Jeremys in the shower and im sitting in the chair and we are supposed to be leaving for Tulsa in 2 minutes......yeah that prob not gonna happen. I sure hope the day of retrival and transfer he moves a little faster. But today jeremys got two things working against him 1st hes not a morning person ever and 2nd this is the 2yr ann. Of Ben Jeremys best friend passing away so its a hard day.

Heres how im feeling right now:
Headachey
Really full/bloated
Little more tired than normal
My brains a little cloudy having probs consentrating

So nothing major. I can deal with all this. Last night i went to bed about 8 i was just so tired driving back and forth to tulsa then working is wearing me out and i knew we had to get up early so i went to bed early. Anyways i woke up about midnight hollared at jeremy and asked him if he was coming to bed who had fallen asleep in the chair and right now is still in the shower and its 6:03 anyways moving right along. I had woken up bc i had to pee. I guess i should add that to my list of s/e i have to pee a lot more and i know thats bc i have many growing follicles which hopefully have any growing maturing eggs inside them. So after i went to the bathroom i could not go back to sleep i just kept trying to reposition. It feels like i have a bowling bowl cut in half one half on my right side and the other on my left side. Saying i feel bloated doesnt even describe this. Im not complaining just commenting. :) so im really excited to see what they say today and if they have any idea when retrival will be im thinking end of next week. So ill update after our u\s and b\w.

Jeremy and Kristie Young :)

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day 5 results

So today i went for my day 5 ultrasound and bloodwork this is where i am right now. We have 13 follicles on the Left side and 8 follicles on the Right side. So 21 :) of course not all of these will mature and fertilize but its a great number. Also the want my uterus linning to measure 8-9cm and im already at a 6 so thats pretty awesome especially since i just had surgery on my uterus. So we are excited! We go back saturday for day 7 u/s and blood work and im excited bc jeremy will be there and see it all. Its really interesting! Oh yeah and my estrogen was 540 dont know if thats good but they said it was. So im not starting the 3rd injectin tomorrow ill prob start that one sunday. We go back monday as well and hopefully ill have a good idea after monday when retrival will be and then well know around when transfer will be.

Today was the first day i really got kinda gitty about everything. Its seems so close we can almost grab it. I want so much for this to be successful but i have to trust and know that in Gods timing. Up to this point ive done everything humanly possible now its time to trust God, my body, and doctor Pro and just dont worry about it anymore.

Its so humbling to know that ppl are praying for jeremy and i. Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us we def need it and appreciate it and cont to need it. We love yall!

Jeremy and Kristie Young

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injections start tomorrow

So tomorrow i start my follistim injections! WOW!! I can not even believe we are here at this point. In just a couple of weeks we will be at retrival and then in a few days following that transfer. Then we just wait!! Im so excited yet so nervous i want this to be successful so bad......

There are many exciting things happening right now. Of course the most excited our ivf cycle!! Following that we are moving......i know i know those of yall who know me think i must be addicted to moving by now lol no this is not the case we really had a house kinda drop into our laps. This will put us a little furture from the church but it will put me closer to work. Im really getting tired of driving so far also we will have the option to buy this house. :) its only 5 yrs old in a subdivision and it has a privacy fence in the back yard which im super excited about since hopefully we will be able to put a pool in the back money permitting! So for now thats it !

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nausea should be my middle name

For those of yall who know me well you know that I am not a night person, by 9 im normally in bed and fast asleep in dream land so the fact the im blogging at 11:30 is not the norm for me. However, since surgery I can not sleep nor can I eat without getting sick either it comes right back up or runs out quickly! I know TMI!! Im so ready to feel better but I figure if I get preg that Ill have morning sickness or as i figure ill refer to it as all day sickness so I might as well just get used to this right?

Surgery went wel on tuesday it was kinda a weird experience I wasnt crazy about the hospital and some of the staff was rude while others went over and beyond to be helpful. I guess thats nothing new though. Once they got in they realized that it wasnt a polyp but a glob of mucus. Ok i totally believe in the power of prayer. The previous wed when i had the u/s with contrast i saw "it" attached to my uterus but once they got in there it was free floating in my uterus i firmly believe that God allowed to it be unattached! This is something i was really nervous about with my previous surgery i knew there was a chance that i could loose an ovary but i knew that we could still try since i would still have one but when they told me there was something wrong with my uterus it upset me bc i have to have my uterus to carry a child. Anyways everything went great minus the fact that i now have been bleeding for 3 weeks and cant get past the nausea. I called thursday and the nurse told me it could cont through the weekend so hopefully by tomorrow it will disapate.

I totally cant believe we are here. Wednesday i go for me baseline u\s and blood work then if everything looks good we start injections on sunday! Cant you believe it? I cant in one week we will start injections and be one step closer to our goal!!! Which is to bring home a healthy baby. I nervous yet so excited in the same breathe. Im also so thankful to be sharing this journy with Jeremy he is such a supportive person and im so blessed to have him.

For now its just Jeremy, me, and the pups

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one more surgery

So last wednesday we went to TFC for a long day. This day was full of our IVF edu, Trail transfer and ultrasound with contrast, stress conseling, and to cross the Ts and dot the Is along with finding out how much and when the full payment was due.

Everything went well i could see that if you had no medical training that it would be very overwhelming.

The trail transfer and ultrasound with contrast was not near as painful as i had prepared myself for. Although they did find a polyp in my uterus so we are having another surgery this coming tuesday. This thankful has not messed our cycle up. As of right now we will have our baseline on 4/6 and then start our injections on 4/10. I can not believe that we are really here and really doing this. I dont really feel overwhelmed just amazed and anxious. Of course a little scared of it not working. However we are trying to stay positive and focus on the good things. As of right now it looks like by mid may we will know if we are pregnant or not. How weird does that sound? So we will wait and see what happens we arejust praying that God will prepare my body to be able to carry a child.

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Wednesday marks the start

So yestercday AF came! I am so truly thankful for this and believe that we are ment to be in the April cycle. Im nervous and excited a little overwhelmed by everything honestly. Im nervous about getting pregnant, im nervous about not getting pregnant, im nervous about miscarrying, im nervous about becoming a mom. So many different emotions running through my brain, heart , and soul. This is what we have hoped for, prayed for, dreamed of for 3 1/2 years now! Now thats its finally here i just cant believe it. Im ready to see what God allows to happen in our lives. I just have to continue to trust that no matter what happens Gods in control and everything happens in his perfect timing!

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a little broken hearted

BToday in church i sit behind this couple with their little baby. I watch the mother traces the babies face and run her fingers over his eye brows as he sleeps. She gazes down at him and just a little piece of my heart breaks. Of course im happy for this couple in front of Jeremy and I but its almost bitter sweet for us. Hoping one day soon well have our own little miracle.

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random thoughts

So I still have yet to start my period.....im taking the provera guess it might come after i finish it. This all keeps reminding me that even though i like being in control there are some things that are just completely out of your control! This is hard for me me. I cant believe its already March....this thursday is mine and jeremys 4 yr anniversary!! These four yrs have not been easy by any means but so well worth it. I cant believe that April will truly be here before we know it. Wow!!! My mind is in so many diiferent places trying to process everything weve been through and everything we are going to go through and it just cant. I went to conway this weekend and learned somemore about MK from my aunt so that was fun. However i dont like taking pics beside her anymore bc she lost like 60 lbs and is tiny and then well theres me......great right! I really like the MK stuff i think i just have to step out of my box a little and try harder. :) so for now we are still just waiting to see if i ever start!!!!!!

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Hoping AF comes soon

I know you probably cant believe that im wanting/waiting for AF to come. The reason being is that this marks the start of our IVF cycle! Woohoo!! So i just read through my paper work again from TFC one how everything happens and the timeline. Since i have all my meds now it makes more sence. Im also sure that once we one through the IVF education class it will make more sence as well. I think Jeremys excited about this bc he learns how to give me my IM injections. Thankfully i have Lidocaine ointment :D!! Its crazy that everything is really happening! It will be here and be gone before i know it. Hopefully we will be having a little Young in our arms late this year or early 2012!! Jeremys gonna be such a great daddy! He loves kids and love me:)! Through this it has definetely brought jeremy and i closer. So not a whole lot going on this next month. We still have the stress counseling, ivf edu, we have to sign all of our paper work and get the finally amount we owe and when its due. Also we have the trial transfer and ultrasound with contrast this month. After i finish the BC we have a baseline ultrasound and blood work if all thats good we skip two days then start the meds. Wow!!! I cant even believe how close it is, its like i can actually reach out and touch it! Plz continue to pray for us as we cont on this journey!

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Meds

Heres a pic of all my meds ill be taking once we start into the cycle. Two full bags of syringes....yikes! Honestly i would take 1,000 shots a day if it would allow me to be able to have a child.

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while I am waiting

My favorite song ever probably

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God gave me Jeremy

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A Few Thoughts

So several different things have happened in the last couple of weeks. We are offically in the April cycle woot woot! I received all my paper work from TFC wednesday of this week. Which to be honest was really overwhelming as i read though it all even though ive read ten thousand articles and different books already on it. Ive had some drama at work the reality is that my job is just somewhat stressful people get mad when they are held accountable for doing there jobs but overall at work this week it wasnt too bad. I am trying very hard to not stress and be more relaxed.....well see how that goes. I was hurt by a friend this week. Honestly i cant remember the last time i have felt this way trying not to let it get me down but it did and does still bother me. Had girls night last night and it was amazing!! We added a new lady to our group and she is so neat and i just feel so comfortable around my girls and so blessed that God brought them into my lives bc Lord knows i need through support and guidance. Jeremy and i are doing well i do believe that this last year and just brought us so much closer together. Do you know not one time has he complained about any of the infertility stuff. Everything he has had to do everything we have had to discuss he has just been so supportive and truly wants the best for me and our family. Its just an amazing blessing and sometimes i have to Thank God for unanswered prayers and the broken roads that ive traveled and there at the end of them the beginning of my finding true self worth was my Jeremy my amazing husband who i still wonder why God gave him to me but i am so thankful.

*Monday I am going to order my meds. My box full of hopes and dreams and of course the sharp pointy things called needles but hey I will take a hundred shots a day if the end result but looking into the eyes of my child. Right now we are waiting for me to start my period then once i start i start on Birth Control. Thats seems a little crazy but thats part of the process. So technically we are already in our cycle going through the proper steps to get ready for the actually stimulating and everything. We have to go see a Stress Counselor on March 8th. We have to meet with the IVF insurance lady to find out exactly how much we owe and when payment will be do. We have to have IVF education where they walk us through everything and teach Jeremy how to administer my injections. Ill be able to give myself the SubQ ones but not the IM ones. I actually think Jeremy is excited about this he has a fasination with needles though so im not sure how good of a thing that is. I also still have to have a trail transfer and a ultrasound with contrast to make sure they know how far they will have to go in with the catheter on the day of transfer and the contrast to see how the inside of my uterus looks. It looks good from the outside praying it looks better from the inside. Once all these things are completed and ive finished my month of BC then we have a baseline ultrasound done and start the shots. Once we start the shots i will have blood work and an ultrasound done like every 2 days. They have to really make sure i dont over stimulate since i already for PCOS bc of this my ovaries are already large.

Wow i cant believe that this is all about to actually happen!! I feel overwhelmed but im trying not to stress. Im nervous about all the what ifs. But i know i just have to Trust in the Lord and he will give me the desires of my heart!!!

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April Cycle here we come

So we did brave the roads and made it safely to Tulsa and back home. I love Dr. Pro hes so down to earth such a nice man he always makes me feel so comfortable. So our results came back good nothing bad so we are now scheduled for the April cycle. We met with Joni the RN IVF consultant for like 3 minutes maybe. So she signed us up and also called in my meds. They called me and said the meds are going to be 1900 before insurance and they are going to call me in 2 days to tell me how much ill have to pay after insurance so hopefully it will pay a nice portion :)!!!! Joni said they are right in the middle of a cycle right now so it will be about two weeks before she can get me all the paper work.
So what we still have to do: the baseline ultrasound, trail transfer, and our IVF class.
Right now we are waiting for me to start my cycle again(which i just got off) so it will be another month. Then when i start i will start on birth control. Isnt that crazy we are infertile but ill be taking BC. Anyways so we are not really waiting anymore we are in process mode.

Im excited, overwhelmed, nervous and anxious. Jeremy and I are excited so these next few months will be exciting, long and emotional. But im looking forward to what lies ahead.

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Tulsa Tomorrow

Tomorrow Jeremy and I will brave the roads and head to Tulsa for our 2nd appt with Dr. Pro.
Ok i just thought of something funny and a little gay....if i had to have a doctor i would want him to be a Pro...Dr. Pro is our doc.
Anyways so we head there tomorrow to go over the last test results we did 2 weeks ago. Hopefully we will sign up for the April cycle. Right now we are trying to get some money together we only got $800 back on our taxes but hey at least we didnt have to pay in right?! Im really getting excited and nervous over everything. I know no matter what happens Gods in control and even if this doesnt work out (which i pray it does) that we will be able to adopt. No matter what i firmly believe God will give us a child. So ill update tomorrow when i know more of whats going on.

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Last day home

Monday I go back to work. Im ready to get out of the house and to make some money (as we are going to need a lot in the several months/years to come). I have to say though there was only one day i wanted to hurt Jeremy lol other than that i have truely enjoyed being with him and spending time with him. As i think and dream of having a family my love for jeremy deepens. I can only imagine how much greater my love will be for him after i look into the eyes of our child (hopefully in the next year :) ) I have spent some time looking at cribs, changing tables, bedding, stroller, lots of baby stuff and im amazed at home much baby bedding is. Then i think what if we have twins? Jeremy and i would both like to have twins especially since this may be our only chance. I think about to money we have to pay for fertility treatment and really even though i have no idea how we will come up with the money it seems like just a little stepping stone bc there will be so many much more to buy and spend. Especially when I think about actually paying for the L&D then if i have to go on bed rest. Then that makes me think about my insurance since after 12 weeks if i were off i would be laid off and loss my insurance yeah i could pay cobra but its outrages how high it is plus remember i wouldnt be working if i was on bed rest. Then what if theres complications and my baby(ies) came early and were in the NICU? So many different things to think about and pray about. I know i know i should just focus on getting pregnant right?!?! Right!!! Im just such a planner its hard for me. So I sent my mom the info on the crib abd changer that i really like and its not the most expensive so then my mom tells me well you know the crib that Dexter used (my cousins whos two years younger than me) used, then his brother, then my sister, then my two younger cousins so over the last 22 years 5 kiddos have used but hey mom said its still in good sharp and its wood it goes with anything. I was just like your right i need to prioritize spending money on baby furntiure needs to be one of the last things on my mind then again my mom said well i might keep the baby bed at her house so when we are down there theirs somewhere for our little one to sleep. As we have journed through these past 3 1/2 years its been get pregnant get pregnant now that we know its very likely that we will be pregnant my mind is running 90 to nothing about the future and what all it holds.

On a slightly different note yesterday I had to go back to the GYN for some repeat lab work (everything came bacl good this time) there were like 6 pregnant ladies that came in and i couldnt help but wonder were they able to conceive naturally or not? I know everyone (for the most part) loves there children so very much but i feel like ppl that deal with infertility have a different type of appreciation for there children. So many ppl that are my age or that i graduated with have children and they are beautiful babies. Its hard when im looking at fb and all their profile pics are their little angel face babies. But im very happy for them and truely only want the best. I just am ready, ready to take a step forward ready to become a mom, ready to feel like bond and love between myself and my child that only i will feel.

So monday i go back to work and i bet the time will fly by until Feb 7th when we go back to TFC. Then hopefully April will be here before we know it and the money will be too ;)

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First appt

So lets see where to start.....we went to Tulsa Fertility Center (TFC) for our first ferility appt with them. We got there an hour early since we didnt really know where to go we left early. I seriously thought i was going to vomit when we got there i was so anxious/nervous. Anyways we went ahead and went in. As soon as i walked in i was trying to take in the room then i heard familar music playing, they were listening to a christian radio station. We walked up to the front and we were greated by a very friendly lady. I felt then like i started breathing again. The waiting area was very pretty. As i sat there watching multiple women and several comes coming in and out i really realized that fertility is not basis, it not raisist, to doesnt judge on height or weight, or income, or class. As I set there so many thoughts went through my mind. Thankfully we were called back quickly. We met with Dr. Pro in his office. He is so funny and kinda has a mad scientist look. He explained so much to us my brains a little over loaded. He explained my PCOS to Jeremy and I and about being insulin resistant and my weight problems. For the first time i understand why Ive struggled so much with my weight hopefully he will be able to help me a little with this. Also the med metformin he started me on ill cont through the first trimester of my pregnancy this will help bring my risk of miscarrying down to where normal ppl since PCOS raises my risk. Jeremys count was also discussed and he has a few more test (thats all Ill say about that ;) IVF is the direction that we will be heading. We also talked with the IVF lady that handles insurance she is going to call my insurance and let us know exactly how much we will be responsible for except for the meds. We wont know those until we get the list and contact the phar it could be up to 3500! Hopefully not! So we go back tomorrow for some more blood work tomorrow then on the 7th of Feb to lay in stone when we can start IVF. It will either be April or June depending on how much we end up having to pay.

*Heres the deal on the money no matter what we have to pay 1,425 insurance does not cover this amount. If my insurance pays 80/20 then we are looking at about 3,500 plus meds. So hopefully know matter what we can cover this with about 5,000.

Which this sounds small in the scheme of things since it could be right at 15,000!!!! So hopefully we will know soon about the money. In my mind im trying to figure out how we are going to come up with this money!!! The only reason we need to do it soon is due to the cyst on my ovaries and more coming back. They said about 6months from surgery so by July they will probably be coming back.

Thank everyone for your prayers and support!!! Please cont to pray for us as our journey is just really beginning! I will update as soon as i know more concerning everything. :)

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In two days

I cant believe that in less than two days well know which direction we are heading in. There is a wave of emotions running through my head and heart right now. Im so blessed to be traveling this journey with Jeremy even though sometimes i want to strangle him hes awesome and my best friend. Today we went out to natural dam and took pics with my new camera that he bought me for christmas. Its AMAZING!!! I cant wait to take pictures of our children pictures that we will cherish forever. Theres been a few more names we have decided we like. My mom says that shes sure well find more we like and prob wont make a decision till close to the time. But its fun and jeremy and i laugh as we discuss different names. We also hollar the name to see if it flows, write it down, and see what all mean nicknames we could derive from it since kids are mean. As we were riding to my work friday a name popped in my head and i really like it and so does Jeremy........Mallorie jeremys idea was how to spell it since my name ends in ie and figured it would be kewl if our daughters did:) hes so thoughtful lol. Anyways guess ill have to try and be patient. I even bought a book from amazon that ive been reading on my phone about ivf its really good and easy to read but i read so much that it kinda gave me a headache. So im taking a break and what better thing to do for my headache then update my blog.....?

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monday

So our appt at Tulsa is now monday at 9:30. Yes in 3 days well have met our doctor (who i hear is straight to the point and very unique) and have an idea when we could possible start IVF. I cant believe its here. I can remember how i felt a year ago when i found out we couldnt go for a year due to insurance (or Gods hand now looking back). The many times i cried and my heart felt like it was breaking from all this. But now we are looking forward. I cant imagine what all this year will have instore for Jeremy and i. Im nervous and excited, overwhelmed and anxious. I have such a desire to be a mom and i know Jeremys going to be an amazing dad. I am concerned however if the fact that im sick a lot and that ive gained 60lbs in the last year. Im trying really hard to get some weight off but its such a struggle for me. Now that i understand a little more about PCOS I understand more of why i struggle so much with my weight. Ive stopped all cokes and trying to watch my sugar/carbs. I want to be as healthy for my future children, jeremy, and myself as i can. My mind is going so many places right now. Sorry if this blog entry is random with no order but if you know me you know thats normally how I am. So much to think about. Another thing i know this is crazy and premature but i thought i already had my names picked out and now im confused :/ there are certain names that i must include either as first or middle. First being Kreiger if its a boy this is my papaws last name and i always told him i would carry it on. 2nd Benjamin if boy this is after jeremys bf that passed away we would call him Benji. For a girl we would use my middle name Jane. I like the name Pason Jane but when i start to think of it forever i just dont know. Anyways if anyone has any suggestions i could love to hear them :)

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nausea still here

So today was kinda a hard day......im STILL nauseas!!! I know by now this should have disapated but alase it has not. I went back to the MD they ran some blood work they couldnt draw blood out of my left arm bc i have phlebitis in it from the iv i had in the hospital so they drew out of my right well i just dont have very good veins they are small deep and like to roll so they stuck me on the hand over the knuckle can you say OUCH!!! I actually started crying.......by the time i got to the car i was sobing im not tired of not feel well and it always seems like its something. I also felt like they were just kinda like well we dont really know why your still feeling bad :/. So about an hour and a half after i left the office Dana the nurse called me and said they were referring me to a GI specialist bc my ALT was elevated it was 74 normal range 5-33. They asked if i had been taking tylenol with my pain pills which i told them no bc i know my pp have tylenol in them so they were just confused. I also have to go back in tuesday for more blood work. Im a little concerned at why they are already setting up an appt with the GI doc i say wait and see if it goes down great. I also want to see what my level was on my pre op and friday when i was in the hospital. I kinda think its prob just from all the meds they gave me. So im just waiting again as usual. Everytime i think i know what all i have to pay and how to pay it i have another medical bill. Its very frustrating.

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proud of my lil sis

Jr High Homecoming Queen

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movies time

Enjoying the full collection of "love comes softly" that Jeremy bought me last year for my bday. Since i have a lot of time on my hands im enjoying the collection. Thanks Jerm :)

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jeremys song to me

How long has it been.....
Since you laid on the couch?
How long has it been.......
Since you were not so stubborn?
And listened to what your doctor said!!!

I think i like the orginally version better! Gotta love him!

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try the pic again

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PCOS

Here is a picture of a normal ovary (top) and a ovary with affected with PCOS (bottom)

PCOS is now being considered a disease and not just a syndrome. It be believe that between 1 - 15% of women suffer from PCOS. My cousin and I both do. PCOS effects your insulin and it is thought that 30% of women effected by this will be dx with Type II Diabetes by the time they are 40. (Exciting right) ill try to post more info as i learn more about this condition. Heres a quick run down of some of the symptoms and i remember ill put a * by the ones that i suffer from. *irregular or no periods, *weight gain/unable to loss weight, *infertility, *pelvic/abd pain, *multiple benign cyst on ovaries, excessive hair growth, *early onset of periods. I know there are several more but these are the ones that i remember right now.

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Results from Surgery

Thursday they went in to remove a large complex cyst off my right ovary. So the plan was go in remove it and any endo i have. When they got in there they found a very different site. The large complex mass they thought i had was actually two cyst that were pressed up against each other which from the ultrasound presented as one large complex cyst. They found multiple cyst on and in both ovaries. They popped as many as they could. My doctor said that after we have children i need to have them both removed she also said that this was good as far as not having an endo as far as being pregnant i should be able to carry a baby. I am curious how the ferility meds will effect me since they will be over stimulating my ovaries and since i already have multiple cyst. She did say that prob by 6 months the cyst would be back so maybe we can do an ivf transfer before then. My doctor was very excited about me and jerm going to tulsa on the 26th.

So we came home thursday about 4 between 6-7 i started vomitting like projectile. My abd hurt so bad especially since i have three (fresh) incisions. So from then till about 530 friday more i threw up on and off. It was just a bad cycle ii couldnt take the pain meds bc i couldnt eat or keep anything down, therefore i was in a good deal of pain and when i hurt i get nauseas resulting in me throwing up so i would sleep for a little bit then wake up hurting try to reposition and then start vomiting all over again. Jeremy wanted to take me to the hospital at 2 but i thought it would just get better and well it didnt. By the time we got to the hospital i was disorientated and really rehydrated when they drew my labs they were unable to read my potassium level said i was too dehyrated. Never have heard that before. They gave me morphine and zofran several times to try to get my nausea and pain under control and then admitted me to the hospital. I was released this morning after 6 liters of fluids.

Im still really sore which im sure me throwing up didnt help my abd at all. Ive decided not to take the strong pain meds just the motrin. So now im just trying to recover and looking forward to the 26th. Very curious to see what they say.

Thank you to everyone who has prayed with for me and jeremy please continue to keep us in your prayers as this next year is probably going to be life changing.

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My Boys

Thought this was such a cute picture. Jeremy was given a harley hat for choco he was not happy at all. Nothing much going on just thought since i downloaded this app for my blog i would try it out :)

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surgery

So surgery is scheduled for Jan 13. They will remove the complex cyst on my right over and any endometreosis that I have. This is a step forward for Jeremy and I in our fertility process. We were supposed to go to Tulsa today bu were unable to due to the complex cyst so now we will go while I'm off from work. I feel like God is preparing us for IVF this is just another step in our infertility journey. Now just just come up with the money for the ivf. I'm overwhelmed by the thought of us possibly being pregnant at some point this year. I'm excited to see what God has instore for us.

reflection

Where to start......first this year has brought many new and exciting/scary experiances into mine and Jeremys life. Starting in Jan 2010 we were dx with infertility we went through all the testing. In feb we were supposed to go to Arkansas fertility clinic to discuss IVF this fell through when my insurance company said it was preexisting and that I had to wait till jan 2011. However while researching info on AF I came across a blog anf met and amazing women Lisa. She has been such a blessing to me this year and I know she will in this upcoming year. In march we started clomid and I actually ovulated woohoo. In april we did an IUI which was unsuccessful. They told us we should try ivf they thought that was our best option. Also in april I met one of my aunts for the first time. She is a sweet lady and I'm blessed to have Tina as a part of my life now. We moved in may, then june, then aug again. Yes we moved 3 tims in a very short amount of time but hopefully won't be looking at moving anytime soon again. But you never know where God might move us. In sept I had a car wreck I hydroplaned and totaled my car, thankful I was ok and just had an ac seperation in my left should. In nov I had septoplasty and sinus surgery but man I can breath so much better. In nov we also learned that Tulsa Fertility would except my insurance and that our ivf would only be 20% after we met our deductable. Jeremy and I are very excited about this. We scheduled our appt for jan 3. I turned 24 in december. They also found a complex cyst on my right ovary. Then they thought it was cancerous. So the results came back and my level is elevated for my cancer marker but they don't think it actually ovarian cancer. They do however want to remove the complex cyst and any endometriosis that I have however ill have to be off 6 weeks. Yes that sounds crazy. So we had to cancel our Tulsa appt for Jan 3rd until we could resolve this other situation. Also in march jeremy and I celebrated 3 years of marriage and in aug we marked 3 years of trying to conceive. This last year has been full of many ups and down. I've become close friends with two awesome ppl Lisa and Hilary I really appreciate all they have done for me they also give me hope that one day jeremy and I will have a family. So jeremy and I look forward to this upcoming year hopefully we will get this complex cyst removed and them hopefully we able to try at least one round of the ivf. I can't wait to move forward and expand our family. I'm so blessed to have such a great support system from my family to my friends I love you all so very much.