So yesterday I had a new post almost ready when I got a phone call, well this new phone kinda confuses me so I guess that blog is somewhere off in cyber space. So we are going to try IVF. We found out wed that that was our only option due to jeremy count being so low. See we both have problems but they can manipulate mine where they can't really with jeremy. So we have an appointment jan 7th at arkansas fertility in Little Rock. We found out yesterday that my insurance does not cover the retreval, transfer, or storage. So the cost of this is either $10,000 for one transfer fresh and one frozen, $13,000 for 2 fresh and 2 frozed, or $18,000 for 3 fresh and 3 frozed. Plus at least 3,500 for meds every cycle. I know my meds would probably be a little more sence I have a few different things going on. Then my insurance will pay 80\20 for all of my labs and ultrasounds after I meet my 1,000 deductable. Its kinda funny that 1,000 seems really small in the scheme of things. We would probably do the $13,000 plan bc this allows us a few more try's. This is all very hard. I know that I am extremely blessed and I know that it will happen in Gods perfect timing but my heart still is very heavy and feels broken at times. Its hard for me to understand why God willing allows people to have children when he knows that they will beat, sexually abuse, neglect, or even kill there children and Jeremy and I are unable to have a child. Of course I know we would not be "perfect" parents but its hard for me to think we would be worse than that. There are so many people that deal with infertility so I know that I'm not alone. I know many have been there and many will be but sometimes it still feels like the loneliest place. Even while lying in bed to my amazing husband still feeling alone and knowing that men just don't completely understand the natural desires that a woman has to bear a child. I guess part of the curse is that longing to be a mother. I know these next several years are going to be trying, emotional, spiritual, physical, on our marriage, with our family and friends. But I know we will get through it and probably be stronger in the end. I pray that whether we adopt or bear our own children that they grow up knowing how fulling loved and wanted they truly are. That we can turn around and give our children back to the Lord. Whether we adopt or bear our own they will be greatly loved and cherished. For now this is all I have and it might been it for awhile.