4 years

This month marks four years of Jeremy and I trying to have a child. How many things we have gone through in the last four years. My heart is heart and feels like it is broken into so many tiny pieces it may never be put back together.
I have recently been reading Hannahs Hope a book that has helped me deal with the pain of infertility. In the beginning of our journey I made the decision to be open with people concerning our fertility problems and the course of action that we would chose to persue however looking back now I feel like this was a bad decision. So people have been cruel with their words some meaning too others not. However every word that has been spoken to me concerning this I have taken to heart. I guess bc I am just that kind of person. Also I am a people pleaser. When people would state their opinions I would smile and state everyone is intitled to their own opinion however now that I look back on these things I am angry. I feel like either you are for me or against me you can't have it both ways. The aldasity of some people amazes me. How people who have never delt with this seem to be so informed. Yes there is a lot of information that people can research however it is not the same and the information you come in contact with is not always fact.
If our IVF cycle had worked I would be 5 months pregnant this is so hard for me. I havent been very open about what actually went wrong with our cycle but we actually miscarried. It was something that at the time I did not want to embrace. I know people try to help with words like "Your so Young", "everything happens in Gods perfect timing", "maybe you should just adopt", "its a spiritual thing, if you were right with the Lord then it would happen", "stop trying and it will happen", "adopt and it will happen", "Christians should NEVER go through IVF that is crosses a line that no Christian should cross!" Are you seriously kidding me. These words are so hurtful. I just want to look at them and as really do you think that helps at all. I also realize that many people have no idea what to say and to those who dont I say just dont say anything. Its kinda like the old saying if you dont have anything nice to say then dont say anything at all same situation if you dont know what to say maybe you should just not say anything at all.
There as many so many other issues with my insurance company. Thank you to our President that insurance companies can basicly do whatever they want even if they had previously agreed to pay a certain amount.
I feel like my life has completely revolved around us trying to have a child and I hate what it has done to my marriage I have made Jeremy at the bottom of my list and that is so wrong. Jeremy should always be second on my list with God first.
Jeremy is so supportive and strong at times I found myself agree at his strongness.
The fact that we still have three perfect embryos waiting for us to use is hard and amazing in the same since. On fathers day I asked Jeremy how he was doing his resonse kinda shocked me he said its hard bc I am a father my children are just not here with us, 3 are just waiting to be born. He said since I believe life is created at conception then we have 5 children, two we have lost and 3 are still waiting on us.
Jeremy and I have contacted several different adoption agencies seeking out information. Also we have looked into foster care. Jeremy and I do not believe that for a child to be ours its has to be of me and Jeremy. Our hearts are big enough to love any child and we are completely open to this. I just want Gods will for our life.

The last thing I leave you with is a verse that stuck out to when when reading through Hannahs Hope. Its Col 4:6 Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you should answer anyone.