anxious

So I'm feeling a little anxious and a lot excited! Jan 3rd we are going to Tulsa Fertility Center. Some people had recommened to Jeremy and I that we look into them as well as Arkansas Fertility Clinic. Tulsa is a lot closer to us than AF but imve never been to Tulsa so initionally we had planned to go to AF however when I called they seem to think that my insurance would cover very little if anything at all. At TF they said my insurance would cover 100% after I reach my deductable. So we have an appt with TF Jan 3rd and AF Jan 7th. If we feel really comfortable with TF we will cancel the appt with AF.

Its amazing to me that's its almost been a year now since we started the infertility process even though we had already delt with it for 2 years. Even though I have insurance through my work infertility is considered pre exsisting. Kinda crazy huh. So we were scheduled to go to AF Feb 12th we got a call a couple of days before to tell us that we were going to have to pay everything in cash bc of it being considered pre existing. I was really upset I felt like we had waited so long then for our dreams to just be stopped just like that. So this started our time with blood work, clomid, ovulation kits, IUI. This was very emotional and even trying on our marriage from time to time. So now almost a year later we will be heading to the fertility clinic to hopefully plan when we can start our IVF cycle. WOW it seems crazy that in a little more than a month we will have some answers and some direction to where this next year will lead us. I feel like we are about to open a new chapter in our lives and I couldn't be happier to be sharing all this with Jeremy. All of this has been very hard emotional, physically, spiratually but looking at our marriage now I believe it has only made of stronger. I'm so excited about what all lies ahead. I have an amazing support system; my family by law, by blood, and through the blood. A big thanks to Lisa and Hilary two of my fertility buddies y'all will never know how much your kindness has touch my life, I pray that y'all will cont to travel this journey with me and I won't drive you complete crazy with so many questions! :) for now we just wait until Jan!

*so just a little note I randomly googled some info on twins sinces that is a high possibility with IVF and came across strollers any idea how much it cost?..............................like $600 that's not even with the car seats! All I can say is that I believe if God provides us with the blessing of having twins he will provide the means to care for them :)

my brother

So I must say I love my brother so very much. We talked last night for like 2 hours. He was asking me about how our infertility treatment of going and I explained to him that it is kinda on hold. He was asking me about my insurance saying they are not gonna pay for the treatment just the diagnosis of infertity he says well you know arkansas passed a law that says they have to unless you have an hmo or are self employed. I'm glad I can say my brothers a lawyer ;) anyways so he said I needed to look up the law and see what all went under it to I did. Then I looked up my benefits and from what I read my insurance after a year which will be january it should pay 80% for the IVF innetwork. I can't even explain the joy that fills my heart thinking that this next year we could have IVF and might possibly have our own little miricale. To be honest this is all very scary for me. I wonder can I realy be a mom, will I be a good mom, can jeremy and I really do this? So many questions but I know it will all work out. We have decided on a boy name and a girl name already. Of course these are always subject to change.

So on a slightly different note my friend Lisa, who I came in contact with a year ago in Feb had her little miricale Thursday Dawson Paul. He is absolutely beauiful so many little details and I know there's not two ppl that deserve to be parents more than her and her husband Matt. She has truely been an inspiration for me as I have started traveling down the road of infertility and fertility treatment. I pray that I can help someone who is going through this the many ways she has helped me.

For now we wait as my mom pointed out today only 2 more months till my appointment. WOW! It seems so crazy that in 2 months Jeremy and I find out where this next year might take us. There is a lot of heart break with infertility and there is always a sence of loneliness but I know all of that will be so worth it when I can one day hold my little angle in my arms as I have seen Lisa and matt do this week. The expressions on their faces and their families and friends is priceless.

taking a moment to breathe

So these last weeks have been crazy worked like 120 hrs. Yeah I know, crazy. Work is crazy we are still in our state window and since this is my first time with state I'm a little nervous. I realized this week that I'm a little bit of a spaz. I know I should have already known this but hey at least I realized it. Not only am I a spaz but I'm a little OCD. I know that no one is perfect and we all make mistakes but man sometimes I just wonder what people are thinking, I mean seriously! So besides work I went back to the infectious disease doctor Wednesday and we got a few answers to why I've been feeling so bad. I tested positive for a rare type of lupus the doctor said and he wants to do some more testing and possible send me to the mayo clinic. I wonder sometimes if God is just allowing us time to figure out what is going on with me before we have a child. I try not to think about the infertility anymore its always still there in the back of my mind but I just don't talk about it. Kinda like outta sight otta mind. The other day at work someone told me that they saw a family with 6 children then they had a 4 day old child. The family was a farm family and this person was surprised to see them with a 4 day old child out. After speaking with this family she found out the 4 day old was giving to them by a friend who didn't want the child. This person talked to them for awhile and said that I was heavy on her heart knowing that we would love to have this child and be able to provide for it. However this family said they wanted the child and were already going through the proper channels to be able to adpot the child. It truly touch my heart that this person had thought of jeremy and I. If only it were that easy for someone to show up at our door with a child. I believe it could happen Gods still in the miricale business. Today I have not been as productive as I would liked to have been. We are trying to get things arranged for our costume/cookout next weekend. I've never really had anything like this so I'm not sure what all to do. I'm going to try to make these pumpkins centerpieces for some decor. Jeremys been hunting today and build me a shelf to put some of our boxes on. Seems like we never really have any time together and sometimes we seem so far apart which I think is part of the infertility journey and the fact that we've almost been married 4 years. Wow that seems so crazy! We are still planning on going to AF&G Jan 7th for our consultasion. I'm still hoping to start back to school soon. Jeremy and I know that its going to take use several years to come up with the money for the ivf so I want to just try to enjoy the time with jeremy. My shoulders better still pretty sore at times but much better than it was. I want so badly to just be content, be happy, fill fulfilled but at the end of the day I'm still fill pretty empty. As for today I'm trying just to relax a little bit and take a moment to breathe. Thankful that I have some pretty amazing friends who have personally been through the same thing I'm going through.

pushing a button

Only if it were as easy as pushing a button. As I started to get ready yesterday for church I started to get frustrated, my hair just was not corperating with me so I turned my chi on and started to straighten my hair. I stood there looking in the mirror at my unmake upped face with half my hair on my head and thought only if it were as easy as pushing a button. If it were as easy to be thin, look pretty, never have a bad hair day, make enough money to satisfy yourself, to have the spouse, house, kids and job?. Only if it really were as easy as just really pushing a button. I'm trying hard at work to be more assertive, to not let ppl run all over me, to not work such long hours. At home I'm trying to be a better wife, keep a cleaner house. Within myself I'm trying to love myself the way I am, to loose weight, to exercise, to try to be content. Sometimes I just wanna scream, I want to go off on someone, I want to look in the mirror and see a beautiful person. I wonder why its so hard to love ourselves. Why its so hard to except the things we can't change but really really want to. I don't understand things not the way I want to at least. Why do I struggle so much with my weight? Why can Jeremy and I not have a baby? Why do I have to live so far aware from my family? Why do good things happen to bad ppl and bad things to good? The are questions that I believe everyone at some point in their life ask. I wish that life were as easy as just pushing a button, turning the dial to exactly the right degree, to turn it up or down as we please. But life doesn't work that way. Life is hard, its not fair, and pain is a very real thing. I believe that God allows everything to happen for a reason and in his time everything is made perfect. However my heart still breaks over the things that my heart desires. Life isn't as easy as pushing a button.................

a little over 2 weeks

So its been a little over 2 weeks since my accident, I can hardly believe it. A lot has happened and then again everything is still about the same. So I went to the ortho last wed. He is actually the UofA physican, he specializes in shoulder injury so I felt pretty comfortable with him. He said I have an ac seperation and a shoulder contusion, also that the grinding I'm experiencing is from my scapula rubbing on my rib cage (ouch right). So he said I didn't need surgery which was a relief but that I needed to be off work for a month. Well I had already been off 8 days not paid and the thought of being off made me sick due to the money then I found out they were going to have to train someone to do my job temporarily while I was out. I couldn't even stand the thought of someone else doind my job. I love my job and I'm kinda anaul I like it done a certain way. So the MD said that I could go back in a week if I felt better but I would still need to know my own limatations (no lifting anything over 2lbs with the left arm, no pushing or pulling). With my job I can do this with the help of my CNAs which I must say are pretty awesome. So I'm going back to work on the 4th this coming Monday. I'm kinda nervous I know that's stupid. So that's where I stand with all that. So the pews at church kill my shoulder so I didn't go to church last night so I took a bath and when I was drying off my shoulder popped I mean really popped it hurt so bad it almost brought me to my knees but I think my ac joint actually popped back into place. So this is a good thing it actually feels better and I have a lot more ROM with it now than I did a few days ago. I'm cont to do the pt at home, taking the muscle relaxers, and anti-inflammatory meds. This will cont for a while I'm sure. I'm nervous about going back to work I really am afraid of injury my shoulder more but I know I just have to be careful. Oh yeah the reason why my scapula is grinding on my ribs is bc of the inflammation. I also have to ice my shoulder a lot. I will be bringing my ice pack to work with me so during lunch I can ice it its still really swollen and tends to swell easily. We finally were able to get another car the week before last we got a 2010 toyota corolla let me tell you once you go toyota you never go back lol. I really wanted an SUV but that's just not what God had in store for us. He always provides your needs for you just not always your wants. Anyways so the corolla is awesome it rides like a luxury vehicle. It cost $24 to fill it up it was like a little less than 1\4 left and then I got 40mpg woohoo. A full tank can go a little over 400 miles so I drive almost 300 miles a week so that's awesome that I can go on one tank of gas and it only cost me 24 bucks. Plus me and a lady from work, Monica, who also goes to church with me are going to start riding together so that will be nice especially since we now have a higher car payment. Well sense I've been at home I've had a lot of down time, time to just think and pray, to meditate on everything. I really am not sure what is going to happen as far as me and Jeremy having a baby but I know in Gods timing it will all work out. This is hard but after the accident I realized how fast things can change and honestly how fast it can just come to an end. For these reasons I just want to enjoy the time with Jeremy, my family, and friends. I believe that everything happens
for a reason and I'm not real sure why this happened but I do think God wanted me to refocus. I had become so consumed with work that that is all I did, all I thought about and talk about but there is so much more to this one life God has given to us. Yes I still want to be a mom more than anything and I want Jeremy to be a dad but it might just take us a few more years to save up to either adopt or go through with the IVF. Jeremy and I both want to try the IVF first but we are totally open to the plans God has set before us bc I know they are perfect and I know God always provides our needs and sometimes our wants fall into that as well. Please forgive my spelling I have been typing so fast I feel like there is just so much on my heart and mind. Tomorrow I'm going to go get my tb test, (so I can go back to work), so get the lab work done that I was heading to get done the day of the accident, try to run by the gym to get some info on me and jeremy joining, and run by a mattress store to get some prices on a new mattress. I've been sleeping on the couch since the accident and honestly its way more comfortable than our bed but I do miss sleeping with my hubby. I'm also going to try to start going throw boxes we have yet to find the glass to my china hutch (I know where would it have walked off too). I've wanted to keep one room set aside for a nursery but I don't thinks that's a good idea everytime I walk by and see the emptiness it reminds me of the emptiness I feel inside so I'm wanting to get a day bed or a twin bed I figure we can use it even after the baby. So well just have to see what happens. One day at a time sweet Jesus that's all I'm asking of you.

one week

So today it has been a week sence my acccident. I still think about it a lot and get a little anxious when riding. (Which I've always had some). I went to work on Monday and I couldn't even think straight due to my pain. Its amazing I never realized how much I used my shoulder even for the littliest thing. I felt so outta place it just made me really sad. I love my job. Let me back track a little. The hospital put me in a sling for a week bc my shoulder and clavical were hurting. Friday I went to the MD bc my left hand kept swelling and I almost couldn't get my wedding bad off. I feel so weird without it. Anyways so they put me in a wrist brace and was told that it looked like I tore some of the muscles in my hand. Sunday my mom went back home. I really enjoyed her and my sister Janea being here. There is nothing like a mothers touch. So when I went to take my bath Sunday I figured I could undress myself (even though Jeremy and mom had all weekend) I took my sling off and raised my left arm not high but enough I could slide my shirt off well when I raised I heard a pop and now it just crackles and pops (that makes me think of rice krispies). Now I'm back where I started so Sunday night my shoulder started bothering me worse, Monday the pain cont. With no relief. I went back to the doctor he said my xrays from the hospital the day of the wreck looked like my clavical was fractured and that there was some kind of pocket around me shoulder. They did more xrays and some looked one way and some looked another. MD decided to give me a shot in my muscle in my shoulder to numb it to see if that would give me some relief. Well this was absolutely horrible. The tears were just rolling down my face and I actually hollared out a couple times. I've never reacted that way before and trust me I've been stuck hundreds of times even in my feet and never reacted this way. So he rubbed on my shoulder for about 5 mins trying to get the meds in my muscles that hurt so bad. He kept saying I can feel this band referring to a tendon. He took me off work a week and then put me in a shoulder immobilizer. I have to even sleep in it. He told me to come back Monday if it wasn't better they would get an mri bc he thinks I tore something in my shoulder. When I take the immobilizer off to get dressed or bath my shoulder shifts. It actually looks different than my other one. So I called yesterday and asked that they go ahead and schedule my mri so I can try to get it done while I'm off work. This will tell us if I'm going to have to have surgery or not. If I have to I just want to get it over with so I can go back to work and stop hurting so bad. Tonight I can't sleep its 3:26 in the morning and I've been awake a little before midnight. I woke up by rolling over to my left I woke up screaming it hurt so bad. Hopefully well have some results soon. A huge thank you to my mom for her help last weekend and jeremy for being so patient with me. I'm truly blessed in more ways than I could ever imagine.

thursday

If something is misspelled or runs together I'm sry I typing with one hand. So Thursday morning about 8:15 I was in a wreck. I hydroplaned and rearended someone. I had never been in a wreck or had a ticket until that day. I'm having a hard time dealing with the accident. Everytime I close my eyes that's all I see and hear. I'm sure in time that will get better. So I'm hoping that by writting what happened it will help me move past it. So I was driving to fayetteville to have some blood work done, normally I wouldn't have even been on this road. I exited off 540 and merged into the left lane bc the right lane was an exit only lane. (While I was driving on 540 I was only going 55 in the right lane and ppl were blowing my doors off) when I merged into the left lane I could tell traffic was slowing so I put my foot on the break and started slowing, then the car in front of me hit their breaks and I did the same well when I did I startedsliding a little and it seamed like it increased my speed bc I wasn't going fast to begin with. When I realized I wasn't stopping and going to hit the mini van in front of me I yanked the wheel to my right. I hit them on their right back and on my left front and drivers door. I can't even to beginning to explain how blessed I am it could have been so much worse. When I went into the right lane anyone could have hit me but God had his hands around me and protected me. I ended up on the right side shoulder almost in the ditch when I stopped. When I looked over at the van I hit I saw a lady get out and open the side door to check on her child. This threw me even more into a panic I could never live with myself if I hurt or killed someone. Thankfully they were both fine. I kept asking the cops and firemen. So they had to pry my door open and transported me (L hip, L shoulder, and L clavical) bruising and abrasions on my L and R shin from where I hit the dash. The most pain I've had is from my L arm\wrist. Doctor says I hyperextened it when yanking the wheel to the right and probably tore some muscles in my hand. My hand just keeps swelling I had to remove my rings and barely got my wedding ring off. So now my cars totaled, my arms in a sling for 2 weeks and my wrist is in a brace for 2 weeks. I'm not sure how this is going to work me having to use both of my hands for work. Ill write more soon but I'm beginning to hurt.