a little over 2 weeks

So its been a little over 2 weeks since my accident, I can hardly believe it. A lot has happened and then again everything is still about the same. So I went to the ortho last wed. He is actually the UofA physican, he specializes in shoulder injury so I felt pretty comfortable with him. He said I have an ac seperation and a shoulder contusion, also that the grinding I'm experiencing is from my scapula rubbing on my rib cage (ouch right). So he said I didn't need surgery which was a relief but that I needed to be off work for a month. Well I had already been off 8 days not paid and the thought of being off made me sick due to the money then I found out they were going to have to train someone to do my job temporarily while I was out. I couldn't even stand the thought of someone else doind my job. I love my job and I'm kinda anaul I like it done a certain way. So the MD said that I could go back in a week if I felt better but I would still need to know my own limatations (no lifting anything over 2lbs with the left arm, no pushing or pulling). With my job I can do this with the help of my CNAs which I must say are pretty awesome. So I'm going back to work on the 4th this coming Monday. I'm kinda nervous I know that's stupid. So that's where I stand with all that. So the pews at church kill my shoulder so I didn't go to church last night so I took a bath and when I was drying off my shoulder popped I mean really popped it hurt so bad it almost brought me to my knees but I think my ac joint actually popped back into place. So this is a good thing it actually feels better and I have a lot more ROM with it now than I did a few days ago. I'm cont to do the pt at home, taking the muscle relaxers, and anti-inflammatory meds. This will cont for a while I'm sure. I'm nervous about going back to work I really am afraid of injury my shoulder more but I know I just have to be careful. Oh yeah the reason why my scapula is grinding on my ribs is bc of the inflammation. I also have to ice my shoulder a lot. I will be bringing my ice pack to work with me so during lunch I can ice it its still really swollen and tends to swell easily. We finally were able to get another car the week before last we got a 2010 toyota corolla let me tell you once you go toyota you never go back lol. I really wanted an SUV but that's just not what God had in store for us. He always provides your needs for you just not always your wants. Anyways so the corolla is awesome it rides like a luxury vehicle. It cost $24 to fill it up it was like a little less than 1\4 left and then I got 40mpg woohoo. A full tank can go a little over 400 miles so I drive almost 300 miles a week so that's awesome that I can go on one tank of gas and it only cost me 24 bucks. Plus me and a lady from work, Monica, who also goes to church with me are going to start riding together so that will be nice especially since we now have a higher car payment. Well sense I've been at home I've had a lot of down time, time to just think and pray, to meditate on everything. I really am not sure what is going to happen as far as me and Jeremy having a baby but I know in Gods timing it will all work out. This is hard but after the accident I realized how fast things can change and honestly how fast it can just come to an end. For these reasons I just want to enjoy the time with Jeremy, my family, and friends. I believe that everything happens
for a reason and I'm not real sure why this happened but I do think God wanted me to refocus. I had become so consumed with work that that is all I did, all I thought about and talk about but there is so much more to this one life God has given to us. Yes I still want to be a mom more than anything and I want Jeremy to be a dad but it might just take us a few more years to save up to either adopt or go through with the IVF. Jeremy and I both want to try the IVF first but we are totally open to the plans God has set before us bc I know they are perfect and I know God always provides our needs and sometimes our wants fall into that as well. Please forgive my spelling I have been typing so fast I feel like there is just so much on my heart and mind. Tomorrow I'm going to go get my tb test, (so I can go back to work), so get the lab work done that I was heading to get done the day of the accident, try to run by the gym to get some info on me and jeremy joining, and run by a mattress store to get some prices on a new mattress. I've been sleeping on the couch since the accident and honestly its way more comfortable than our bed but I do miss sleeping with my hubby. I'm also going to try to start going throw boxes we have yet to find the glass to my china hutch (I know where would it have walked off too). I've wanted to keep one room set aside for a nursery but I don't thinks that's a good idea everytime I walk by and see the emptiness it reminds me of the emptiness I feel inside so I'm wanting to get a day bed or a twin bed I figure we can use it even after the baby. So well just have to see what happens. One day at a time sweet Jesus that's all I'm asking of you.

one week

So today it has been a week sence my acccident. I still think about it a lot and get a little anxious when riding. (Which I've always had some). I went to work on Monday and I couldn't even think straight due to my pain. Its amazing I never realized how much I used my shoulder even for the littliest thing. I felt so outta place it just made me really sad. I love my job. Let me back track a little. The hospital put me in a sling for a week bc my shoulder and clavical were hurting. Friday I went to the MD bc my left hand kept swelling and I almost couldn't get my wedding bad off. I feel so weird without it. Anyways so they put me in a wrist brace and was told that it looked like I tore some of the muscles in my hand. Sunday my mom went back home. I really enjoyed her and my sister Janea being here. There is nothing like a mothers touch. So when I went to take my bath Sunday I figured I could undress myself (even though Jeremy and mom had all weekend) I took my sling off and raised my left arm not high but enough I could slide my shirt off well when I raised I heard a pop and now it just crackles and pops (that makes me think of rice krispies). Now I'm back where I started so Sunday night my shoulder started bothering me worse, Monday the pain cont. With no relief. I went back to the doctor he said my xrays from the hospital the day of the wreck looked like my clavical was fractured and that there was some kind of pocket around me shoulder. They did more xrays and some looked one way and some looked another. MD decided to give me a shot in my muscle in my shoulder to numb it to see if that would give me some relief. Well this was absolutely horrible. The tears were just rolling down my face and I actually hollared out a couple times. I've never reacted that way before and trust me I've been stuck hundreds of times even in my feet and never reacted this way. So he rubbed on my shoulder for about 5 mins trying to get the meds in my muscles that hurt so bad. He kept saying I can feel this band referring to a tendon. He took me off work a week and then put me in a shoulder immobilizer. I have to even sleep in it. He told me to come back Monday if it wasn't better they would get an mri bc he thinks I tore something in my shoulder. When I take the immobilizer off to get dressed or bath my shoulder shifts. It actually looks different than my other one. So I called yesterday and asked that they go ahead and schedule my mri so I can try to get it done while I'm off work. This will tell us if I'm going to have to have surgery or not. If I have to I just want to get it over with so I can go back to work and stop hurting so bad. Tonight I can't sleep its 3:26 in the morning and I've been awake a little before midnight. I woke up by rolling over to my left I woke up screaming it hurt so bad. Hopefully well have some results soon. A huge thank you to my mom for her help last weekend and jeremy for being so patient with me. I'm truly blessed in more ways than I could ever imagine.

thursday

If something is misspelled or runs together I'm sry I typing with one hand. So Thursday morning about 8:15 I was in a wreck. I hydroplaned and rearended someone. I had never been in a wreck or had a ticket until that day. I'm having a hard time dealing with the accident. Everytime I close my eyes that's all I see and hear. I'm sure in time that will get better. So I'm hoping that by writting what happened it will help me move past it. So I was driving to fayetteville to have some blood work done, normally I wouldn't have even been on this road. I exited off 540 and merged into the left lane bc the right lane was an exit only lane. (While I was driving on 540 I was only going 55 in the right lane and ppl were blowing my doors off) when I merged into the left lane I could tell traffic was slowing so I put my foot on the break and started slowing, then the car in front of me hit their breaks and I did the same well when I did I startedsliding a little and it seamed like it increased my speed bc I wasn't going fast to begin with. When I realized I wasn't stopping and going to hit the mini van in front of me I yanked the wheel to my right. I hit them on their right back and on my left front and drivers door. I can't even to beginning to explain how blessed I am it could have been so much worse. When I went into the right lane anyone could have hit me but God had his hands around me and protected me. I ended up on the right side shoulder almost in the ditch when I stopped. When I looked over at the van I hit I saw a lady get out and open the side door to check on her child. This threw me even more into a panic I could never live with myself if I hurt or killed someone. Thankfully they were both fine. I kept asking the cops and firemen. So they had to pry my door open and transported me (L hip, L shoulder, and L clavical) bruising and abrasions on my L and R shin from where I hit the dash. The most pain I've had is from my L arm\wrist. Doctor says I hyperextened it when yanking the wheel to the right and probably tore some muscles in my hand. My hand just keeps swelling I had to remove my rings and barely got my wedding ring off. So now my cars totaled, my arms in a sling for 2 weeks and my wrist is in a brace for 2 weeks. I'm not sure how this is going to work me having to use both of my hands for work. Ill write more soon but I'm beginning to hurt.

reply to last post comment

There are several things a want to say. There is a high risk of having twins with IVF however the risk is extremely low for having any more than that. Where you get into having multiples is with an IUI (which jeremy and I did try one). We would not destroy any of our embroys. Jeremy and I both want several children so if we had success we would try again with the embroys that were frozen. If we didn't have success the first time then we would just try again with the embroys we had stored. I would never waste them. I know that fertility treatment is very contreversal and in till you are in the position its really hard to say the choices that anyone would make. Of course Jeremy and I would rather get pregnant naturally however that is not an option for us so does that mean we should just throw our hands up. Well no we move on to the next step which for us was IUI with clomid. This was unsuccessful so now we are moving on to the next step which is also our final step in fertiltiy treatment. No one unless they have been through infertility can even imagine the devastation that one feels when they are at this point. Jeremy and I talk about our options and we make decisions on what we think is best for us. No this may not be what is best for someone else bc every person is different. People that chose to adopt willing without trying to have a child don't understand the effects of infertility. Jeremy nor I have anything against adoption and yes that is very likely that that's where we would end up and that's not a horrible thing. But its also not a horrible thing to do what jeremy and I have chosen to do. I know everyone has there own opinion and I also know that when I post stuff on here or on facebook that I am opening the door for everyone else to state their opinions as well. But this blog was originally started after Jill past away almost 2 yrs ago to be able to express myself and get things off my chest and as time has gone by I have used it to express my feelings about whatever happened to be going on in our life at that time. Maybe I should just go back to keeping a diary under my bed ;) but infertility is not something that should be hidden away too many people have done that for too many years and if I can help someone who will be going through this now or at a later time then that's what I want to do. I'm sorry if whoever reads this blog from time to time do not support the decisions Jeremy and I have made but honestly they are not anyone elses decisions to nake but our own.

So yesterday I had a new post almost ready when I got a phone call, well this new phone kinda confuses me so I guess that blog is somewhere off in cyber space. So we are going to try IVF. We found out wed that that was our only option due to jeremy count being so low. See we both have problems but they can manipulate mine where they can't really with jeremy. So we have an appointment jan 7th at arkansas fertility in Little Rock. We found out yesterday that my insurance does not cover the retreval, transfer, or storage. So the cost of this is either $10,000 for one transfer fresh and one frozen, $13,000 for 2 fresh and 2 frozed, or $18,000 for 3 fresh and 3 frozed. Plus at least 3,500 for meds every cycle. I know my meds would probably be a little more sence I have a few different things going on. Then my insurance will pay 80\20 for all of my labs and ultrasounds after I meet my 1,000 deductable. Its kinda funny that 1,000 seems really small in the scheme of things. We would probably do the $13,000 plan bc this allows us a few more try's. This is all very hard. I know that I am extremely blessed and I know that it will happen in Gods perfect timing but my heart still is very heavy and feels broken at times. Its hard for me to understand why God willing allows people to have children when he knows that they will beat, sexually abuse, neglect, or even kill there children and Jeremy and I are unable to have a child. Of course I know we would not be "perfect" parents but its hard for me to think we would be worse than that. There are so many people that deal with infertility so I know that I'm not alone. I know many have been there and many will be but sometimes it still feels like the loneliest place. Even while lying in bed to my amazing husband still feeling alone and knowing that men just don't completely understand the natural desires that a woman has to bear a child. I guess part of the curse is that longing to be a mother. I know these next several years are going to be trying, emotional, spiritual, physical, on our marriage, with our family and friends. But I know we will get through it and probably be stronger in the end. I pray that whether we adopt or bear our own children that they grow up knowing how fulling loved and wanted they truly are. That we can turn around and give our children back to the Lord. Whether we adopt or bear our own they will be greatly loved and cherished. For now this is all I have and it might been it for awhile.