this year

So yes I'm a planner, this is not always a good thing, actually more times than not its a bad thing. I knew what I wanted for this year. I have been planning it for over 2 years now. I knew when I got out of school, got a job, and got insurance I wanted to first thing go to the gyn and figure out why we have no little jeremy's running around after 2 1/2 years of trying. So that's what I did insurance started Jan 1st, Jan 8th I had my appointment and from there everything went very fast. Bloodwork, ultrasound, HSG, semen analysis appointment after appointment. So then we found out looks like Jeremy and I on our own are not going to be able to do this. So they set up an appointment with Arkansas Fertility and Gynecology. So last friday we were supposed to go, well thursday we got a call from AF&G saying my infertility is pre_existing and even though I have 100% coverage it will not be covered until Jan the 1st of next year that right Jan 2011. So yes I started to cry and have several times since then. I truly dnt understand but I have to have faith and believe that God is in control as I do. So jeremy still have some testing he's going to go through and my gyn is still going to monitor my cycles closely while we wait this year out. A year not that long right? I mean time flies by when ur having fun so a year will be over and done before we even know it, I mean think about it its almost already March. So now I'm at the point well what do I do with this year? Jeremy and I are going to try to get somethings paid off so at least we will be in a better financial situation come next year. And if adoption is our only choice we will have some money put back for that. Jeremy and I both truly want to have a family. I dnt understand ppl that don't want children. So what else to do with this year. Well jeremy and I are both very blessed in the fact that we both have good jobs. However either of us could go back to school to futhure our education but how do we know if that's what we should do or not. I really just don't know. I know what I want more than anything and that's to be a mom and jeremy to be a father but I also know that God knows what's best for us and that may not be what we need right now. So as Jeremy and I seek out what God wants for us this year I pray he will guide us and also guide u. For there are many things that can happen in a year and I hope that when I look back on this year it will not have just been wasted while I waited to try to have children but that I tried to better myself, and learn from every new opportunity that was placed in front of me. :)

changing directions

I'm feeling much better today. Also now that I'm back on my singular I'm feeling ten times better overall. Still taking it easy. My stomach still a little woozy. So I think Jeremy and I are going to cont. To get more healthy while waiting to get pregnant. There are a couples of things we can do this year to help us so we are going to try them. Its hard I really wanted to go friday and see what they said but I guess that just wasn't in Gods plan for us right now. We are going to try to get our financial situation more under control, try to pay some things off and get some money put back into savings over the course of this next year. Jeremy and I haven't given up our hopes and dreams of having a family. I think we r just going to have to draw closer to the Lord and learn to rely on one another more. I am surprised that this has brought us closer together but it has. My scared to know what our life will be like without children isnlt that normally how life works, u grow up, get married, have a career and then have a family? Not always in that order but still those key things are what every couple looks forward or the most of them. Jeremy and I both have sucha desire to have a family. There are so many other ppl out there with infertility. I have been able to meet some of them and share our struggles. Its crazy what all actually goes into becoming pregnant. If someone didn't believe in God before I would think after trying to get pregnant or becoming pregnant they would. It is truly a miracle. I want to be positive but I am struggling. I want to smile and to feel like everything is going to be ok but there are times when all I can do is cry or scream. But you know that's real life. Real life hurts. God sent his own son to the cross why would I ever think that I would not have to deal with pain or heartache when he himself did. I dnt understand life. I dnt understand why some ppl r able to have children and children when they dnt want them, can't take care of them, or will abuse them when there are so many ppl who pray, hope, and dream everyday of being parents. This blog is a way to share with other ppl real life and express the way I feel even when its not always the "right" way to feel. I pray the Lord gives me the strength to get through this. I know life is not always what we want or expect but it is always in Gods plan.

viral infection

So I went to the doctor this morning after not sleeping at all last night, vomiting, and a fever. My muscles ache badly. She informed me of a viral infection in my system gave me a couple of prescriptions and sent me home to rest. So now I'm laying on the couch. I hate calling into work. That's not the type of person I am I try to not miss. I hope I get to feeling better b4 monday. Hopefully resting will do the body good.

not the day I had hoped for

Well apparently I have the stomach bug that's been going around work. I really don't like missing work :(. Today I found out that I won't be going friday to AF&G b/c my insurance says its preexisting since I went without insurance for 2 yrs. I have to have to be honest when I found out I got really upset. I feel like I've had to fight for everything I've ever wanted and I dnt really understand why I'm having to "fight" for this. But then I began to think that there are still options and that there are things Jeremy and I need to do and want to do so why not do them why its just us. Jeremy is going to still go to the urologist and I'm still going to try to get my cholesterol under control. I guess me loosing all this weight didn't help with my cholesterol levels or they were just really high from the beginning. At times I feel like I can't pray. I know its just because I'm afraid my answer will be no. I know that if it is no I have to learn to deal with it. I can't understand why some people have so many children but that they dnt want them and then there are people like us who have such a desire to have a family but can't. I know God is all knowing and all powerful. I pray he will help me and jeremy and everyone else who is going through the same thing. There are so many factors that go into having a child but so many people have no idea. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I'm just trying to tell my heart what my head already knows. Jeremy and I will get through this but I know its only bc our foundation is in our Lord Jesus christ. I'm sry for being angry but I know it will get better.

long week

Today was a long day. Kinda like a monday on a tuesday. I am so ready for friday to get here and just praying the weather will allow us to be able to travel to Little rock. I feel like we have been on this journey for so long already but I know that its just beginning. I have met some ppl online recently and them seem to have so much strength. I just hope and pray I can be like that. Looking forward to what the Lord has in store for Jeremy and I as the Youngs are hoping for youngsters.:)

nervous about this Friday

So I know its been a really long time since I've posted but I'm hoping to be able to get back in the swing of things. So Jeremy and I are back in Arkansas actually NWA. I love it here its so beautiful and I truly feel at home here. Jeremy and I have been on a difficult road but we are very excited and nervous about the road ahead. We go to little Rock friday to Arkansas fertility clinic. We are seeing Dr. Batres. Hopefully we will have an idea friday as to which treatment we will be able to try to start our family. Dr. Markell is my doctor here in Fayettville and she is amazing. I really feel blessed that she is my doctor. So we have already done a lot of testing. Looks like we will probably have to try IVF but we will not know for sure until friday. I have really seen surprised at peoples response to us having to go to a fertility clinic. I think that the media is very misleading. Not everyone that uses fertility treatment will end up with 6 or more children. I just wish that people were aware that a lot of ppl have infertility problems but they can be over come. I will try to blog ahead especially when we find something out friday :)