for now....

Well its been snowing since yesterday afternoon. Janeas here and we have had a good time so far. Man I feel like I could just sleep all the time I'm always so tired :/. Maybe this too will get better when/if they are able to get my hormones leveled out. This week we find out when Jeremy is going to have the ultrasound and his blood work. We will have to wait till we receive the results back from these test before we are able to move forward. I think even if all we get accomplished this year is to have a lot of test done and maybe some procedures then at least when we are able to go to AF&G we will already know what's wrong. Thus far we know that my hormone levels are extremely low and that sperms count and mobility is low as well. Hopefully we will find out soon more as to why both of us have issues and what they are stemming from. It kinda scares me bc I wonder at times if we are just meant to not have children, well we are looking at buying a house and wow the emotions and feelings that go along with that are very interesting. I feel so excited but nervous in the same breath. At times I feel like I could vomit just about getting in something that cost so much. Its such a big deal. This house is very interesting I like the charm it has. We are supposed to get a surveyor out here this week to see if there are any problems with the home. I just feel stupid buying this home just for me and Jeremy. It seems like maybe we shouldn't buy something for a family when we don't have one yet. But then again I think that if we end up adopting that at least we will have a home already. We will just have to see so many major decisions to make. I just pray the Lord leads us in the right direction to make the decisions that are the ones that will bring him honor and glory. For now we just wait.

for now....

Well its been snowing since yesterday afternoon. Janeas here and we have had a good time so far. Man I feel like I could just sleep all the time I'm always so tired :/. Maybe this too will get better when/if they are able to get my hormones leveled out. This week we find out when Jeremy is going to have the ultrasound and his blood work. We will have to wait till we receive the results back from these test before we are able to move forward. I think even if all we get accomplished this year is to have a lot of test done and maybe some procedures then at least when we are able to go to AF&G we will already know what's wrong. Thus far we know that my hormone levels are extremely low and that sperms count and mobility is low as well. Hopefully we will find out soon more as to why both of us have issues and what they are stemming from. It kinda scares me bc I wonder at times if we are just meant to not have children, well we are looking at buying a house and wow the emotions and feelings that go along with that are very interesting. I feel so excited but nervous in the same breath. At times I feel like I could vomit just about getting in something that cost so much. Its such a big deal. This house is very interesting I like the charm it has. We are supposed to get a surveyor out here this week to see if there are any problems with the home. I just feel stupid buying this home just for me and Jeremy. It seems like maybe we shouldn't buy something for a family when we don't have one yet. But then again I think that if we end up adopting that at least we will have a home already. We will just have to see so many major decisions to make. I just pray the Lord leads us in the right direction to make the decisions that are the ones that will bring him honor and glory. For now we just wait.

words

Its amazing to me how words that you normally wouldn't say become so normal to you when dealing with infertility. Jeremy is having some more test done and we will hopefully the results of some of them this week. I found out today that my levels were worse this last month than the month before :( well we will just have to wait and see what happens.

focusing

I seem to loose focus on the things that are so important. I try to focus on what matters. What's here right now. I'm struggling right now with so many different thoughts and feelings right now. I'm trying to focus on my life. I have a wonderful husband, a great job, a supportive family, a couple of amazing friends,a roof over my head, a mattress to sleep on every night so many things to be thankful for every minute of every day. So I don't know why I have been so down lately. I don't know why it feels like a part of me is broken or why I feel like I'm missing something. Jeremy wants me to be happy and content just being me but I don't know how to be I guess. I'm dreams and goals my whole life have been is to be a wife and mother. I love being a wife. I wish I were a better wife and after being married for 3 years I know that practice makes perfect so I'm planning on continuing learning how to be the wife God created me to be. I have been mad at God. I know I shouldn't be and if when I am that it doesn't change any thing. I don't understand why my papaw has to go through the pain he goes through every day. I don't under heartbreak. I know God has a plan and a purpose for my life and Jeremys. So you would think I would just be able to except that and move forward since God knows what best for me, Right? Wrong I try, I try to pray I just feel so disconnected. I wish I understood why this is so hard for me. I've noticed I get aggravated a lot easier now than before. I'm tired a lot more. Jeremy and I have been fighting a lot more. I know all of this is because I have been unable to let go of these feeling I have these dreams I hold on too so tight. I want to scream at times, but there are no words. I believe that I will get through this. I have too. My marriage is more important to me then anything. God blessed me with an amazing man to walk through this life with and for HIM I have to move pass this and I'm sure in time I will!!!