Wednesday, November 2, 2011
November
Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month
This month is pancreatic cancer awareness month. As I looked up info on this I realized that it is known as the lethal cancer because the survival rate is so low bc normally not found until it is far progressed. This is def the case with my papaw even if he had not been on dialysis he would not have been able to fight this bc it was too far progressed. This has been hard on me and my whole family. I feel so empty at times and wonder how the world continues to go on when I feel like my life has just stopped. My papaw was not just my papaw but my dad and my friend and I will forever miss him.
This year in general has been hard. Multiply surgeries, house flooding, money issues, miscarriaged, and lost my papaw. I know there are so many people that worse things have happened but it doesnt make it any easier. The pain is still so real. My mamaw also fell yesterday, Im so thankful that she was ok. A few brusises and some discomfort but thankfully nothing is broken.
It has been very hard being so far away from my family. I talk mamaw at least once a day and my mom at least every couple. I wish I could just move them up here with me. I do realize that we all do have our lives and that is def something my papaw would want is for us to cont to LIVE.
Jeremy excepted a pastorit of a church close to us and I am very excited about the church and what God has in store for us. Looking forward to a new year.
Kristie
This month is pancreatic cancer awareness month. As I looked up info on this I realized that it is known as the lethal cancer because the survival rate is so low bc normally not found until it is far progressed. This is def the case with my papaw even if he had not been on dialysis he would not have been able to fight this bc it was too far progressed. This has been hard on me and my whole family. I feel so empty at times and wonder how the world continues to go on when I feel like my life has just stopped. My papaw was not just my papaw but my dad and my friend and I will forever miss him.
This year in general has been hard. Multiply surgeries, house flooding, money issues, miscarriaged, and lost my papaw. I know there are so many people that worse things have happened but it doesnt make it any easier. The pain is still so real. My mamaw also fell yesterday, Im so thankful that she was ok. A few brusises and some discomfort but thankfully nothing is broken.
It has been very hard being so far away from my family. I talk mamaw at least once a day and my mom at least every couple. I wish I could just move them up here with me. I do realize that we all do have our lives and that is def something my papaw would want is for us to cont to LIVE.
Jeremy excepted a pastorit of a church close to us and I am very excited about the church and what God has in store for us. Looking forward to a new year.
Kristie
Monday, October 10, 2011
Papaw
These last few days have kinda all been a blare and have ran together. I have been staying with my papaw in the hospital since he was admitted last friday. If you are reading my blog you probable know how special my papaw is to me. He is like my dad, the man I have always looked up to, the strongest person I know. For the past several years my papaw has not been in good health, now at the age of only 62 he is faced with in a situation that I am not sure if he will pull out of.
Since I started working in Long-Term I views on things have changed in many ways. I realize now that my papaws quality of life not what it should be or once was. I realize the pain that he indures each and every day. I realize that he has held no so long for myself and my family. I realize that 62 is in no way shape or form OLD. I realize that life is too short and we need to make the most of every moment we have with the ones that we hold dear.
One of the greatest things I think about my papaw is that there is no blood relation. I would give my life for my papaw, I would take all this pain away from him if he would allow me to. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone, well maybe not Jeremy but in a different way. My papaw is my Weather Man :) he means so much to me. I say that this is so great bc when I think about Jeremy and I adopting a child it gives me the comfort and peace of knowing that that child can love us as much as I love him. So many things run deeper than blood. Not that I don't love my blood family but my papaw and I have always had a really tight bond.
I remember asking him once if he wished my mom had had a girl, he laughed and said "no, it wouldn't have been as much fun." My papaw always knows how to make me smile, how to help me look at the big picture. He has taught me so many things. If I am blessed to spend just one more day with my papaw I pray that I use that time to just enjoy being in his presents.
Its hard to know when God is getting ready to take someone help. All I know is that whether that is tonight or 2 years down the road I want to lead a legacy like my papaw. He loves the Lord and if you know him you not only know my earthly father but you have met my heavenly father as well. When the Bible says to live in the world but not be of the world that is my papaw. He has lived his life just like all of us but the difference is that he has lived each day letting Jesus light shine through him. I love you papaw and I am so truly thankful to be your grand-daughter :)
Saturday, September 3, 2011
4 years
This month marks four years of Jeremy and I trying to have a child. How many things we have gone through in the last four years. My heart is heart and feels like it is broken into so many tiny pieces it may never be put back together.
I have recently been reading Hannahs Hope a book that has helped me deal with the pain of infertility. In the beginning of our journey I made the decision to be open with people concerning our fertility problems and the course of action that we would chose to persue however looking back now I feel like this was a bad decision. So people have been cruel with their words some meaning too others not. However every word that has been spoken to me concerning this I have taken to heart. I guess bc I am just that kind of person. Also I am a people pleaser. When people would state their opinions I would smile and state everyone is intitled to their own opinion however now that I look back on these things I am angry. I feel like either you are for me or against me you can't have it both ways. The aldasity of some people amazes me. How people who have never delt with this seem to be so informed. Yes there is a lot of information that people can research however it is not the same and the information you come in contact with is not always fact.
If our IVF cycle had worked I would be 5 months pregnant this is so hard for me. I havent been very open about what actually went wrong with our cycle but we actually miscarried. It was something that at the time I did not want to embrace. I know people try to help with words like "Your so Young", "everything happens in Gods perfect timing", "maybe you should just adopt", "its a spiritual thing, if you were right with the Lord then it would happen", "stop trying and it will happen", "adopt and it will happen", "Christians should NEVER go through IVF that is crosses a line that no Christian should cross!" Are you seriously kidding me. These words are so hurtful. I just want to look at them and as really do you think that helps at all. I also realize that many people have no idea what to say and to those who dont I say just dont say anything. Its kinda like the old saying if you dont have anything nice to say then dont say anything at all same situation if you dont know what to say maybe you should just not say anything at all.
There as many so many other issues with my insurance company. Thank you to our President that insurance companies can basicly do whatever they want even if they had previously agreed to pay a certain amount.
I feel like my life has completely revolved around us trying to have a child and I hate what it has done to my marriage I have made Jeremy at the bottom of my list and that is so wrong. Jeremy should always be second on my list with God first.
Jeremy is so supportive and strong at times I found myself agree at his strongness.
The fact that we still have three perfect embryos waiting for us to use is hard and amazing in the same since. On fathers day I asked Jeremy how he was doing his resonse kinda shocked me he said its hard bc I am a father my children are just not here with us, 3 are just waiting to be born. He said since I believe life is created at conception then we have 5 children, two we have lost and 3 are still waiting on us.
Jeremy and I have contacted several different adoption agencies seeking out information. Also we have looked into foster care. Jeremy and I do not believe that for a child to be ours its has to be of me and Jeremy. Our hearts are big enough to love any child and we are completely open to this. I just want Gods will for our life.
The last thing I leave you with is a verse that stuck out to when when reading through Hannahs Hope. Its Col 4:6 Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you should answer anyone.
I have recently been reading Hannahs Hope a book that has helped me deal with the pain of infertility. In the beginning of our journey I made the decision to be open with people concerning our fertility problems and the course of action that we would chose to persue however looking back now I feel like this was a bad decision. So people have been cruel with their words some meaning too others not. However every word that has been spoken to me concerning this I have taken to heart. I guess bc I am just that kind of person. Also I am a people pleaser. When people would state their opinions I would smile and state everyone is intitled to their own opinion however now that I look back on these things I am angry. I feel like either you are for me or against me you can't have it both ways. The aldasity of some people amazes me. How people who have never delt with this seem to be so informed. Yes there is a lot of information that people can research however it is not the same and the information you come in contact with is not always fact.
If our IVF cycle had worked I would be 5 months pregnant this is so hard for me. I havent been very open about what actually went wrong with our cycle but we actually miscarried. It was something that at the time I did not want to embrace. I know people try to help with words like "Your so Young", "everything happens in Gods perfect timing", "maybe you should just adopt", "its a spiritual thing, if you were right with the Lord then it would happen", "stop trying and it will happen", "adopt and it will happen", "Christians should NEVER go through IVF that is crosses a line that no Christian should cross!" Are you seriously kidding me. These words are so hurtful. I just want to look at them and as really do you think that helps at all. I also realize that many people have no idea what to say and to those who dont I say just dont say anything. Its kinda like the old saying if you dont have anything nice to say then dont say anything at all same situation if you dont know what to say maybe you should just not say anything at all.
There as many so many other issues with my insurance company. Thank you to our President that insurance companies can basicly do whatever they want even if they had previously agreed to pay a certain amount.
I feel like my life has completely revolved around us trying to have a child and I hate what it has done to my marriage I have made Jeremy at the bottom of my list and that is so wrong. Jeremy should always be second on my list with God first.
Jeremy is so supportive and strong at times I found myself agree at his strongness.
The fact that we still have three perfect embryos waiting for us to use is hard and amazing in the same since. On fathers day I asked Jeremy how he was doing his resonse kinda shocked me he said its hard bc I am a father my children are just not here with us, 3 are just waiting to be born. He said since I believe life is created at conception then we have 5 children, two we have lost and 3 are still waiting on us.
Jeremy and I have contacted several different adoption agencies seeking out information. Also we have looked into foster care. Jeremy and I do not believe that for a child to be ours its has to be of me and Jeremy. Our hearts are big enough to love any child and we are completely open to this. I just want Gods will for our life.
The last thing I leave you with is a verse that stuck out to when when reading through Hannahs Hope. Its Col 4:6 Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you should answer anyone.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
People
I haven't posted in a while and I am really not sure where to start and what to say.
I'm amazed by people, people who I love, people who I barely know, just people in general they never seem to really be the way you think they would/should be.
Jeremy and I have made a decision to not be as open about our journey to parenthood.
Everyone seems to have their own opinions which is fine that is their right but I dont think that I have to continue to be polite and listen to them all the time. However, I do feel like if I blog or post about it then I am opening myself up for it so therefore I will not be as open here on my blog or on facebook any longer.
As of right now, we finally feel at home in our house and almost have everything unpacked which after 4 yrs of marriage is amazing! I am about to go back to RN school I will be doing it all online so I am excited/nervous about this task. Jeremy is still the Young Adult Pastor at Summers, Drive the long bus route for the school, subs, and mows yards. He is a very busy man. For me I am still working in Long Term care which I absolutely LOVE. Never thought I would but I do they are like your family you rejoice when they do and cry with them when they do. Right now I am Unit Manager which is basiclly ADON of my end. Our home is basiclly two homes in one so its split. I work with an amazing group of women and I am truly blessed to not only call them my co-workers but my friends :).
Jeremy and I are praying right now about the direction God would have us to go with our journey (which we have been for yrs) but we are just enjoying what we have and each other. We are truly blessed! All I know is that whether I am able to carry a child, adopt, or foster a child I will love that child with all my heart and soul and Jeremy and I will consider ourselves the most blessed people on this earth!
I'm amazed by people, people who I love, people who I barely know, just people in general they never seem to really be the way you think they would/should be.
Jeremy and I have made a decision to not be as open about our journey to parenthood.
Everyone seems to have their own opinions which is fine that is their right but I dont think that I have to continue to be polite and listen to them all the time. However, I do feel like if I blog or post about it then I am opening myself up for it so therefore I will not be as open here on my blog or on facebook any longer.
As of right now, we finally feel at home in our house and almost have everything unpacked which after 4 yrs of marriage is amazing! I am about to go back to RN school I will be doing it all online so I am excited/nervous about this task. Jeremy is still the Young Adult Pastor at Summers, Drive the long bus route for the school, subs, and mows yards. He is a very busy man. For me I am still working in Long Term care which I absolutely LOVE. Never thought I would but I do they are like your family you rejoice when they do and cry with them when they do. Right now I am Unit Manager which is basiclly ADON of my end. Our home is basiclly two homes in one so its split. I work with an amazing group of women and I am truly blessed to not only call them my co-workers but my friends :).
Jeremy and I are praying right now about the direction God would have us to go with our journey (which we have been for yrs) but we are just enjoying what we have and each other. We are truly blessed! All I know is that whether I am able to carry a child, adopt, or foster a child I will love that child with all my heart and soul and Jeremy and I will consider ourselves the most blessed people on this earth!
Monday, August 1, 2011
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