taking a moment to breathe

So these last weeks have been crazy worked like 120 hrs. Yeah I know, crazy. Work is crazy we are still in our state window and since this is my first time with state I'm a little nervous. I realized this week that I'm a little bit of a spaz. I know I should have already known this but hey at least I realized it. Not only am I a spaz but I'm a little OCD. I know that no one is perfect and we all make mistakes but man sometimes I just wonder what people are thinking, I mean seriously! So besides work I went back to the infectious disease doctor Wednesday and we got a few answers to why I've been feeling so bad. I tested positive for a rare type of lupus the doctor said and he wants to do some more testing and possible send me to the mayo clinic. I wonder sometimes if God is just allowing us time to figure out what is going on with me before we have a child. I try not to think about the infertility anymore its always still there in the back of my mind but I just don't talk about it. Kinda like outta sight otta mind. The other day at work someone told me that they saw a family with 6 children then they had a 4 day old child. The family was a farm family and this person was surprised to see them with a 4 day old child out. After speaking with this family she found out the 4 day old was giving to them by a friend who didn't want the child. This person talked to them for awhile and said that I was heavy on her heart knowing that we would love to have this child and be able to provide for it. However this family said they wanted the child and were already going through the proper channels to be able to adpot the child. It truly touch my heart that this person had thought of jeremy and I. If only it were that easy for someone to show up at our door with a child. I believe it could happen Gods still in the miricale business. Today I have not been as productive as I would liked to have been. We are trying to get things arranged for our costume/cookout next weekend. I've never really had anything like this so I'm not sure what all to do. I'm going to try to make these pumpkins centerpieces for some decor. Jeremys been hunting today and build me a shelf to put some of our boxes on. Seems like we never really have any time together and sometimes we seem so far apart which I think is part of the infertility journey and the fact that we've almost been married 4 years. Wow that seems so crazy! We are still planning on going to AF&G Jan 7th for our consultasion. I'm still hoping to start back to school soon. Jeremy and I know that its going to take use several years to come up with the money for the ivf so I want to just try to enjoy the time with jeremy. My shoulders better still pretty sore at times but much better than it was. I want so badly to just be content, be happy, fill fulfilled but at the end of the day I'm still fill pretty empty. As for today I'm trying just to relax a little bit and take a moment to breathe. Thankful that I have some pretty amazing friends who have personally been through the same thing I'm going through.

pushing a button

Only if it were as easy as pushing a button. As I started to get ready yesterday for church I started to get frustrated, my hair just was not corperating with me so I turned my chi on and started to straighten my hair. I stood there looking in the mirror at my unmake upped face with half my hair on my head and thought only if it were as easy as pushing a button. If it were as easy to be thin, look pretty, never have a bad hair day, make enough money to satisfy yourself, to have the spouse, house, kids and job?. Only if it really were as easy as just really pushing a button. I'm trying hard at work to be more assertive, to not let ppl run all over me, to not work such long hours. At home I'm trying to be a better wife, keep a cleaner house. Within myself I'm trying to love myself the way I am, to loose weight, to exercise, to try to be content. Sometimes I just wanna scream, I want to go off on someone, I want to look in the mirror and see a beautiful person. I wonder why its so hard to love ourselves. Why its so hard to except the things we can't change but really really want to. I don't understand things not the way I want to at least. Why do I struggle so much with my weight? Why can Jeremy and I not have a baby? Why do I have to live so far aware from my family? Why do good things happen to bad ppl and bad things to good? The are questions that I believe everyone at some point in their life ask. I wish that life were as easy as just pushing a button, turning the dial to exactly the right degree, to turn it up or down as we please. But life doesn't work that way. Life is hard, its not fair, and pain is a very real thing. I believe that God allows everything to happen for a reason and in his time everything is made perfect. However my heart still breaks over the things that my heart desires. Life isn't as easy as pushing a button.................