Last day home

Monday I go back to work. Im ready to get out of the house and to make some money (as we are going to need a lot in the several months/years to come). I have to say though there was only one day i wanted to hurt Jeremy lol other than that i have truely enjoyed being with him and spending time with him. As i think and dream of having a family my love for jeremy deepens. I can only imagine how much greater my love will be for him after i look into the eyes of our child (hopefully in the next year :) ) I have spent some time looking at cribs, changing tables, bedding, stroller, lots of baby stuff and im amazed at home much baby bedding is. Then i think what if we have twins? Jeremy and i would both like to have twins especially since this may be our only chance. I think about to money we have to pay for fertility treatment and really even though i have no idea how we will come up with the money it seems like just a little stepping stone bc there will be so many much more to buy and spend. Especially when I think about actually paying for the L&D then if i have to go on bed rest. Then that makes me think about my insurance since after 12 weeks if i were off i would be laid off and loss my insurance yeah i could pay cobra but its outrages how high it is plus remember i wouldnt be working if i was on bed rest. Then what if theres complications and my baby(ies) came early and were in the NICU? So many different things to think about and pray about. I know i know i should just focus on getting pregnant right?!?! Right!!! Im just such a planner its hard for me. So I sent my mom the info on the crib abd changer that i really like and its not the most expensive so then my mom tells me well you know the crib that Dexter used (my cousins whos two years younger than me) used, then his brother, then my sister, then my two younger cousins so over the last 22 years 5 kiddos have used but hey mom said its still in good sharp and its wood it goes with anything. I was just like your right i need to prioritize spending money on baby furntiure needs to be one of the last things on my mind then again my mom said well i might keep the baby bed at her house so when we are down there theirs somewhere for our little one to sleep. As we have journed through these past 3 1/2 years its been get pregnant get pregnant now that we know its very likely that we will be pregnant my mind is running 90 to nothing about the future and what all it holds.

On a slightly different note yesterday I had to go back to the GYN for some repeat lab work (everything came bacl good this time) there were like 6 pregnant ladies that came in and i couldnt help but wonder were they able to conceive naturally or not? I know everyone (for the most part) loves there children so very much but i feel like ppl that deal with infertility have a different type of appreciation for there children. So many ppl that are my age or that i graduated with have children and they are beautiful babies. Its hard when im looking at fb and all their profile pics are their little angel face babies. But im very happy for them and truely only want the best. I just am ready, ready to take a step forward ready to become a mom, ready to feel like bond and love between myself and my child that only i will feel.

So monday i go back to work and i bet the time will fly by until Feb 7th when we go back to TFC. Then hopefully April will be here before we know it and the money will be too ;)

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First appt

So lets see where to start.....we went to Tulsa Fertility Center (TFC) for our first ferility appt with them. We got there an hour early since we didnt really know where to go we left early. I seriously thought i was going to vomit when we got there i was so anxious/nervous. Anyways we went ahead and went in. As soon as i walked in i was trying to take in the room then i heard familar music playing, they were listening to a christian radio station. We walked up to the front and we were greated by a very friendly lady. I felt then like i started breathing again. The waiting area was very pretty. As i sat there watching multiple women and several comes coming in and out i really realized that fertility is not basis, it not raisist, to doesnt judge on height or weight, or income, or class. As I set there so many thoughts went through my mind. Thankfully we were called back quickly. We met with Dr. Pro in his office. He is so funny and kinda has a mad scientist look. He explained so much to us my brains a little over loaded. He explained my PCOS to Jeremy and I and about being insulin resistant and my weight problems. For the first time i understand why Ive struggled so much with my weight hopefully he will be able to help me a little with this. Also the med metformin he started me on ill cont through the first trimester of my pregnancy this will help bring my risk of miscarrying down to where normal ppl since PCOS raises my risk. Jeremys count was also discussed and he has a few more test (thats all Ill say about that ;) IVF is the direction that we will be heading. We also talked with the IVF lady that handles insurance she is going to call my insurance and let us know exactly how much we will be responsible for except for the meds. We wont know those until we get the list and contact the phar it could be up to 3500! Hopefully not! So we go back tomorrow for some more blood work tomorrow then on the 7th of Feb to lay in stone when we can start IVF. It will either be April or June depending on how much we end up having to pay.

*Heres the deal on the money no matter what we have to pay 1,425 insurance does not cover this amount. If my insurance pays 80/20 then we are looking at about 3,500 plus meds. So hopefully know matter what we can cover this with about 5,000.

Which this sounds small in the scheme of things since it could be right at 15,000!!!! So hopefully we will know soon about the money. In my mind im trying to figure out how we are going to come up with this money!!! The only reason we need to do it soon is due to the cyst on my ovaries and more coming back. They said about 6months from surgery so by July they will probably be coming back.

Thank everyone for your prayers and support!!! Please cont to pray for us as our journey is just really beginning! I will update as soon as i know more concerning everything. :)

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In two days

I cant believe that in less than two days well know which direction we are heading in. There is a wave of emotions running through my head and heart right now. Im so blessed to be traveling this journey with Jeremy even though sometimes i want to strangle him hes awesome and my best friend. Today we went out to natural dam and took pics with my new camera that he bought me for christmas. Its AMAZING!!! I cant wait to take pictures of our children pictures that we will cherish forever. Theres been a few more names we have decided we like. My mom says that shes sure well find more we like and prob wont make a decision till close to the time. But its fun and jeremy and i laugh as we discuss different names. We also hollar the name to see if it flows, write it down, and see what all mean nicknames we could derive from it since kids are mean. As we were riding to my work friday a name popped in my head and i really like it and so does Jeremy........Mallorie jeremys idea was how to spell it since my name ends in ie and figured it would be kewl if our daughters did:) hes so thoughtful lol. Anyways guess ill have to try and be patient. I even bought a book from amazon that ive been reading on my phone about ivf its really good and easy to read but i read so much that it kinda gave me a headache. So im taking a break and what better thing to do for my headache then update my blog.....?

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monday

So our appt at Tulsa is now monday at 9:30. Yes in 3 days well have met our doctor (who i hear is straight to the point and very unique) and have an idea when we could possible start IVF. I cant believe its here. I can remember how i felt a year ago when i found out we couldnt go for a year due to insurance (or Gods hand now looking back). The many times i cried and my heart felt like it was breaking from all this. But now we are looking forward. I cant imagine what all this year will have instore for Jeremy and i. Im nervous and excited, overwhelmed and anxious. I have such a desire to be a mom and i know Jeremys going to be an amazing dad. I am concerned however if the fact that im sick a lot and that ive gained 60lbs in the last year. Im trying really hard to get some weight off but its such a struggle for me. Now that i understand a little more about PCOS I understand more of why i struggle so much with my weight. Ive stopped all cokes and trying to watch my sugar/carbs. I want to be as healthy for my future children, jeremy, and myself as i can. My mind is going so many places right now. Sorry if this blog entry is random with no order but if you know me you know thats normally how I am. So much to think about. Another thing i know this is crazy and premature but i thought i already had my names picked out and now im confused :/ there are certain names that i must include either as first or middle. First being Kreiger if its a boy this is my papaws last name and i always told him i would carry it on. 2nd Benjamin if boy this is after jeremys bf that passed away we would call him Benji. For a girl we would use my middle name Jane. I like the name Pason Jane but when i start to think of it forever i just dont know. Anyways if anyone has any suggestions i could love to hear them :)

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nausea still here

So today was kinda a hard day......im STILL nauseas!!! I know by now this should have disapated but alase it has not. I went back to the MD they ran some blood work they couldnt draw blood out of my left arm bc i have phlebitis in it from the iv i had in the hospital so they drew out of my right well i just dont have very good veins they are small deep and like to roll so they stuck me on the hand over the knuckle can you say OUCH!!! I actually started crying.......by the time i got to the car i was sobing im not tired of not feel well and it always seems like its something. I also felt like they were just kinda like well we dont really know why your still feeling bad :/. So about an hour and a half after i left the office Dana the nurse called me and said they were referring me to a GI specialist bc my ALT was elevated it was 74 normal range 5-33. They asked if i had been taking tylenol with my pain pills which i told them no bc i know my pp have tylenol in them so they were just confused. I also have to go back in tuesday for more blood work. Im a little concerned at why they are already setting up an appt with the GI doc i say wait and see if it goes down great. I also want to see what my level was on my pre op and friday when i was in the hospital. I kinda think its prob just from all the meds they gave me. So im just waiting again as usual. Everytime i think i know what all i have to pay and how to pay it i have another medical bill. Its very frustrating.

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proud of my lil sis

Jr High Homecoming Queen

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movies time

Enjoying the full collection of "love comes softly" that Jeremy bought me last year for my bday. Since i have a lot of time on my hands im enjoying the collection. Thanks Jerm :)

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