looking forward

So I haven't updated in awhile for several reasons I guess. 1st being we have been so busy with having to move again due to our allergies being so bad in the other house :(. 2nd is really just because I haven't known what to write. I haven't really cried in a long time over the infertility but a couple of weeks ago I started crying on a friday night and didn't stop till sunday evening. Its like when the tears started there was no stopping them. So what's all has happened and where are we now...

In the last 3 months I have been on clomid for 2 round with one IUI which was a failure. We have moved out of one duplex, spend many weeks on updated a house and moving in, to having to move out of the house and back into another duplex 1 and a half months later due to health related problems that the house was causing. Also in the last several months I meet my aunt Tina which is my biological fathers sister. She hadn't seen me since I was two due to him giving me up legally but we met and hit it off instantly. Its also amazing how much we look alike and act alike. God has truly blessed me with an amazing family who I cherish very much.

So now we are in the new duplex which isn't new and its kinda like stepping back in time, but hey we can both breathe and that is very important. Jeremy is currently taking clomid for the next 3 months. So in september they will do another analysis to see if his numbers have came up any if they have then I go back on the clomid and we try for the IUI again if not then we wait till Jan and head to Arkansas Fertility. My doctor said that she didn't really think the IUIs would be successful. So it looks like we are looking at a long road. I know everything is in Gods perfect timing but sometimes that just doesn't help me with the pain and emptiness I feel inside. God has blessed me with meeting a few ppl who can help me through this bc they themselves have traveled this road and know how hard it truly is.

Now to the kicker it is sooooo expensive to have all of this done. Each IUI is 300,plus meds. The IVF is 12,000 plus around 3,600 for meds. My insurance doesn't pay for frozen embryo transfers so that is like 8,000 I believe plus the meds again and the storage fees. So I have decided to start selling Mary Kay products. I am not able to get a second job with the job that I have now which I love. So selling MK is something I can do and think I will really enjoy. My aunt Tina I was writing about above sells MK and has for 19 years so she is going to help me and I'm very excited about building that relationship with her and also being able to have money set aside if we end up having to go the IVF route.

Its kinda crazy to me that in september we will find out if we have to go the IVF route and that will also we our 3 year anniversary for trying to conceive. So for now we are just waiting and trying to put some money back since it is going to cost so much. All I can say to that is that a child is priceless and I would pay any amount to be able to have a child and be a mother.

no go with clomid and IUI #1

So this cycle is over and it was a no go. There's always next time right?! So I'm supposed to hear back from the doctors office tomorrow. Jeremy is starting on clomid as well so it might take several months to effect him. So we find out if we wait a few months for the next IUI or if it will happen this month. Trying to be patient. Plus we are having to move again and I'm so tired of moving. So only time will tell. And I know everythings in Gods perfect timing!

IUI friday

So we had our first IUI friday. Is was not exactly what I thought. I was actually very painful. We were a little disappointed bc Jeremys sperm count was a lot lower than they wanted it to be. They said more than likely it wouldn't work. Its hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that it only takes one sperm to make a baby but they say anything below 50 MILLION is low! What! This makes no sense to me. So now we just wait and cont to pray.
So today I went to my sister in laws baby shower and she opened my present up 7th. So the hostess bring me a gift bag and says that its an old wise tail that the 7th present to be opened whoever brought it will be the next person to have a baby. I didn't even know what to say. I just thought to myself "God this isn't very nice."
Also friday I meet my aunt tina she is my biological fathers sister. She had not seen me since I was 2 so it was awesome to be able to spend some time with her and her husband. I look like her and sound like her. We have a lot in common and I feel very blessed that the Lord opened the door for me to be able to get to know her. I look forward to the future.
Now we just wait and see if the IUI work!

IUI tomorrow

So tomorrow I will be having my first and hopefully last for a long time IUI. I am so excited yet so nervous in the same heartbeat. All of my dreams seem so close that I could touch them. I'm afraid though! Afraid of getting hurt, afraid of the lose that I might feel. I have such a desire to be a mother. I truly want to carry at least one child. I know I know pregnancy is not all fun and when I look back six months from now I might be thinking what in the world were you thinking. But for now that is my hearts desire. I have to say I have some in contact with some amazing women who have also gone through infertility and they have become my friends even sisters. My heart ached for them as I heard there stories. I've wondered at times how some of them would go through what they've gone through and still have their faith. They have truly been a blessing from the Lord and I can only pray that there will come a time when I can help someone through this just as these amazing ladies have helped me. So my mood has been a little cranky these last couple of days. Poor Jeremy basically if he was breathing I was finding something to grip about. I have to remember though that he is much needed for this process so I might need to be a little nicer to him. He is awesome though through it all. So tomorrow is the day, the big step forward. After that we will just have to wait and see what happens. Praying always that Gods will would be done.

hot flashes

So I definitely have some side effects after the clomid than while I am on it. The last two nights I have not been able to sleep. I have sweat almost constantly. No matter how much I removed I was still hot and sweating then I would get the chills :( but hey I figure its all worth it since it probably means the meds are working. I'm hoping and praying that I ovulate and that my levels are great this time. I'm so excited but I seriously think I'm going to have to get one of those mini fans so I can fan myself at work. During my treatments I could just feel the sweat yuck lol

first IUI this week hopefully

Tomorrow I start doing the at home ovulation test. When ever I have a positive LH surge the next day we will have the artificial insemination the next morning. This is such an interesting time. I'm so excited about what is ahead for me and jeremy but so scared as well. My head knows that there is a very high possibility that it will not work this first time but my heart is already ready to see that positive on the at home pregnancy test. I'm not excited about the progesterone shots for 12 weeks but it will be completely worth it. I would take shots the whole 40 weeks if I needed too. So we will just have to see how it goes and continue to pray. I know everything happens in Gods perfect timing!

2nd round on clomid starting tomorrow

So tomorrow I start my second round on clomid. Its weird how months can pass by and u dnt even realize it bc all u can remember from the previous months are when u start, when u started the clomid, when u ovulated, the days u had weird side effects, then when u started again. Its kinda a vicious cycle. So tomorrow we start clomid again. When ever I get my LH surge (which last month was on day 16th) we will have the IUI done the next day. Wow I can't even begin to believe that we are at this point. I'm trying so hard to be positive and think about all the success stories but my personality always tends to remember the bad stories over the good. So I'm trying to refocus my thoughts. I know God is completely in control. He allowed me to ovulate last month which was a complete miracle. So I'm trying to stay focused on him. I'm so blessed to have the support of some awesome friends and an amazing church family. Of course my family is pretty great themselves :)! Anyways we will just have to wait and see how things go.