reply to last post comment

There are several things a want to say. There is a high risk of having twins with IVF however the risk is extremely low for having any more than that. Where you get into having multiples is with an IUI (which jeremy and I did try one). We would not destroy any of our embroys. Jeremy and I both want several children so if we had success we would try again with the embroys that were frozen. If we didn't have success the first time then we would just try again with the embroys we had stored. I would never waste them. I know that fertility treatment is very contreversal and in till you are in the position its really hard to say the choices that anyone would make. Of course Jeremy and I would rather get pregnant naturally however that is not an option for us so does that mean we should just throw our hands up. Well no we move on to the next step which for us was IUI with clomid. This was unsuccessful so now we are moving on to the next step which is also our final step in fertiltiy treatment. No one unless they have been through infertility can even imagine the devastation that one feels when they are at this point. Jeremy and I talk about our options and we make decisions on what we think is best for us. No this may not be what is best for someone else bc every person is different. People that chose to adopt willing without trying to have a child don't understand the effects of infertility. Jeremy nor I have anything against adoption and yes that is very likely that that's where we would end up and that's not a horrible thing. But its also not a horrible thing to do what jeremy and I have chosen to do. I know everyone has there own opinion and I also know that when I post stuff on here or on facebook that I am opening the door for everyone else to state their opinions as well. But this blog was originally started after Jill past away almost 2 yrs ago to be able to express myself and get things off my chest and as time has gone by I have used it to express my feelings about whatever happened to be going on in our life at that time. Maybe I should just go back to keeping a diary under my bed ;) but infertility is not something that should be hidden away too many people have done that for too many years and if I can help someone who will be going through this now or at a later time then that's what I want to do. I'm sorry if whoever reads this blog from time to time do not support the decisions Jeremy and I have made but honestly they are not anyone elses decisions to nake but our own.

So yesterday I had a new post almost ready when I got a phone call, well this new phone kinda confuses me so I guess that blog is somewhere off in cyber space. So we are going to try IVF. We found out wed that that was our only option due to jeremy count being so low. See we both have problems but they can manipulate mine where they can't really with jeremy. So we have an appointment jan 7th at arkansas fertility in Little Rock. We found out yesterday that my insurance does not cover the retreval, transfer, or storage. So the cost of this is either $10,000 for one transfer fresh and one frozen, $13,000 for 2 fresh and 2 frozed, or $18,000 for 3 fresh and 3 frozed. Plus at least 3,500 for meds every cycle. I know my meds would probably be a little more sence I have a few different things going on. Then my insurance will pay 80\20 for all of my labs and ultrasounds after I meet my 1,000 deductable. Its kinda funny that 1,000 seems really small in the scheme of things. We would probably do the $13,000 plan bc this allows us a few more try's. This is all very hard. I know that I am extremely blessed and I know that it will happen in Gods perfect timing but my heart still is very heavy and feels broken at times. Its hard for me to understand why God willing allows people to have children when he knows that they will beat, sexually abuse, neglect, or even kill there children and Jeremy and I are unable to have a child. Of course I know we would not be "perfect" parents but its hard for me to think we would be worse than that. There are so many people that deal with infertility so I know that I'm not alone. I know many have been there and many will be but sometimes it still feels like the loneliest place. Even while lying in bed to my amazing husband still feeling alone and knowing that men just don't completely understand the natural desires that a woman has to bear a child. I guess part of the curse is that longing to be a mother. I know these next several years are going to be trying, emotional, spiritual, physical, on our marriage, with our family and friends. But I know we will get through it and probably be stronger in the end. I pray that whether we adopt or bear our own children that they grow up knowing how fulling loved and wanted they truly are. That we can turn around and give our children back to the Lord. Whether we adopt or bear our own they will be greatly loved and cherished. For now this is all I have and it might been it for awhile.

this week

So to start the week out jeremy and I moved into this cute little house that we now call home. Hopefuuly this will be our last time to move for awhile. Today I went to the infecious di
sease doctor since I'm still sick. He thinks I probably have some time up underactive immune system and I'm just keeping a constant sinus infection and my body can't fight it off. Tomorrow I'm off to work where I'm sure it will be a little crazy since I was off today. Mondays on a Tuesday are still just as bad as mondays on a Monday. Wednesday work then hopefully church. Then there's Thursday......Thursday is a big day for several reasons first because this is when we go to the doctor and she desides whether we can try another round of clomid and iui or if we have to go for ivf. This is so nerve racking. I just have to continue to remind myself that everything is in Gods perfect timing. 2nd my wonderfully awesome grandparents are coming to see me and I couldn't be happier. I know we are going to have a great time just being together. Praying that papaws dialysis up here goes well. So we've made some decisions I am going back for my RN!!! Its going to be totally online so I can continue to work full time. I'm a little scared but I know it will be all worth it in the end. My grandparents are going to be here till Monday. I can't wait for all my friends up here to meet them. So my evenings this week are going to be full of unpacking and organizing but it ok I'm just happy to be here.

Decisions

So many differnt decisions to make right now. 1st on whether to try another IUI or wait and tryIVF. 2nd whether to stay in the duplex or move into a house (still renting) for a few years. 3rd can I complete the RN excelsior college program. The fact that everything is online is kinda scary for me. Ill have to still keep my full tine job (which I love and don't want to quit) and study at night and on the weekends. Plus I wonder if I get pregnant can I continue the program, will I have the energy. However I'm sure it will be so much easier to complete it pregnant over having little ones. I'm praying for Gods directions. I'm so blessed. I feel like the only thing that is missing is a child everything else seems so small and trivial compared to that.

a lot on my mind

So its been almost two months since I've written and a lot of that has to do with not feeling well and working a lot. The clomid has kinda been hard on my system. Also I have reactive hypoglycemia. So I've been having a lot of headaches and a lot of exhaustion. But I know its going to be completely work It in the long run. So here is where we are in our fertility journey: our IUI and clomid round in may resulted in a BPN. Jeremys count was not high after the sperm wash so he has been taking clomid. This will be his last month. At the end of the month he will have another semen analysis. We need his count to be close to 20. Anything below 10 million they don't recommend having the IUI bc its very unlikely that it would be successful. So we go back to the doctor Sept. 2nd to find out what his levels are now. Hopefully they will be much higher. At this appointment the doctor will tell us that either we can try the IUI again with me on the clomid or that it will be best for us to try IVF. If IVF is our option then we will have to wait till Jan due to insurance. We are very blessed that my insurance does cover at least one IVF. They do not pay for frozen embryo transfers though so if it doesn't work then we will have to pay for the other which is about 8000. I'm very nervous about the appointment on the 2nd. It seems like everything will be so final. Also this year has just flown by people who deal with infertility are on a completely different schedule it seems then other people. You basically have your whole month planned out it starts with the day you start your cycle, then 5 days later you start the clomid which is very interesting, then 7 days later you start testing for ovulation (which is kinda weird bc I have to test at work bc ur supposed to test around 11 so that puts me at work), then the next day you have the IUI done, after that you wait your two weeks which of course during this time ur mind and body play tricks on yourself, then after the two weeks either AF comes and u have a BPN or you get a positive if you get a positive then you start on progesterone. If you get AF then you start the cycle all over again. Sigh, its really emotionally, physically, and spiritually draining. I have met some amazing people who have success stories and have really been so inspirational to me. Thank you Lisa and Hilary you have truly blessed my life and I thank the Lord for you both. Jeremy and I are very hopeful and excited. We do believe that we will be parents we just don't know when or how. So we have about two weeks before we know anything and for now we pray for our unborn children and look forward to what lives ahead.

looking forward

So I haven't updated in awhile for several reasons I guess. 1st being we have been so busy with having to move again due to our allergies being so bad in the other house :(. 2nd is really just because I haven't known what to write. I haven't really cried in a long time over the infertility but a couple of weeks ago I started crying on a friday night and didn't stop till sunday evening. Its like when the tears started there was no stopping them. So what's all has happened and where are we now...

In the last 3 months I have been on clomid for 2 round with one IUI which was a failure. We have moved out of one duplex, spend many weeks on updated a house and moving in, to having to move out of the house and back into another duplex 1 and a half months later due to health related problems that the house was causing. Also in the last several months I meet my aunt Tina which is my biological fathers sister. She hadn't seen me since I was two due to him giving me up legally but we met and hit it off instantly. Its also amazing how much we look alike and act alike. God has truly blessed me with an amazing family who I cherish very much.

So now we are in the new duplex which isn't new and its kinda like stepping back in time, but hey we can both breathe and that is very important. Jeremy is currently taking clomid for the next 3 months. So in september they will do another analysis to see if his numbers have came up any if they have then I go back on the clomid and we try for the IUI again if not then we wait till Jan and head to Arkansas Fertility. My doctor said that she didn't really think the IUIs would be successful. So it looks like we are looking at a long road. I know everything is in Gods perfect timing but sometimes that just doesn't help me with the pain and emptiness I feel inside. God has blessed me with meeting a few ppl who can help me through this bc they themselves have traveled this road and know how hard it truly is.

Now to the kicker it is sooooo expensive to have all of this done. Each IUI is 300,plus meds. The IVF is 12,000 plus around 3,600 for meds. My insurance doesn't pay for frozen embryo transfers so that is like 8,000 I believe plus the meds again and the storage fees. So I have decided to start selling Mary Kay products. I am not able to get a second job with the job that I have now which I love. So selling MK is something I can do and think I will really enjoy. My aunt Tina I was writing about above sells MK and has for 19 years so she is going to help me and I'm very excited about building that relationship with her and also being able to have money set aside if we end up having to go the IVF route.

Its kinda crazy to me that in september we will find out if we have to go the IVF route and that will also we our 3 year anniversary for trying to conceive. So for now we are just waiting and trying to put some money back since it is going to cost so much. All I can say to that is that a child is priceless and I would pay any amount to be able to have a child and be a mother.

no go with clomid and IUI #1

So this cycle is over and it was a no go. There's always next time right?! So I'm supposed to hear back from the doctors office tomorrow. Jeremy is starting on clomid as well so it might take several months to effect him. So we find out if we wait a few months for the next IUI or if it will happen this month. Trying to be patient. Plus we are having to move again and I'm so tired of moving. So only time will tell. And I know everythings in Gods perfect timing!